You would be seven...

 Seven years ago tonight I laid in bed tossing and turning with a weird pain in my nine month old belly, where my sweet baby Jayden most likely already passed away inside. My heart aches as I watch that young eighteen year old girl walk into her last appointment the next morning and see her dreams of being his mother crushed. The nurse holding her as she cried not knowing how this could ever happen to her... My heart then breaks as I imagine my nineteen year old boyfriend and my mother's face as they hear an unfamiliar and sad voice on the other side of the phone when their caller id says, "Magen"; informing them that baby Jayden is no longer alive. The next few hours were a blur as I held my tummy tight knowing you no longer would kick back on the other side. Knowing I would never get to hear you cry or say "mommy". Knowing I would soon be holding your limp precious body against mine crying, wishing you would just open your eyes and this nightmare would be over. I then pass you around to what should be a room full of smiles and laughs as we gawk over your full head of hair, instead its quiet and everyone's eyes are filled with tears... I remember that first night home, sitting on the floor crying as I looked at your pictures wishing so badly I was rocking you to sleep in your nursery. I then woke to get ready and dressed for your funeral. I'll never forget that small casket going in the ground. How could your sweet and newly made little body be already gone and buried beneath us... how could your life end before it ever got to begin? I never knew a pain like this existed... nor a love so sweet. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me as I replayed the last nine hard months in my head preparing to be a teen and unwed mother and at the end being pushed back to day one. I was just a young teenage girl again on the outside, but on the inside I was longing to be the mother I prepared and changed to become. I've never been so lost and broken in my life then I was that year... I wished so badly I could fast forward to the time where I would be whole again with a baby boy in my arms. Although you could never be replaced, I kept hope of mothering your siblings one day...
   Today I sit here with one spunky little two year old boy sweetly laying in his "cars" bed clinging to his blanket, and a beautiful, heavenly little three month baby girl old fast asleep in her crib... what once was your crib where you never got to lay. Instead today you are held tightly in the arms of Jesus with your little brother Tucker who joined you three years later. I'm beyond thankful to be sitting here mothering two out of three of your siblings today. I'm thankful to be the mother you made me today, and you will always be my little boy, my first born, the "big brother" and angel watching over us today. Rest in peace sweet Jayden as you were far to precious ever for this world. I will see you again one day and what a day of rejoicing that will be! 10/10/2006 

How do you see your trials in life?

   Have you ever thought about how God shows us His love? Does He only show us He loves us by blessings? People everywhere question God's love when they go through heartbreak. Some even think God is punishing them when bad things happen. Is this really how God works?
   Before I buried my first baby, my life was pretty easy. Nothing really "bad" ever happened. For eighteen years I lived never knowing how truly blessed I was. I mean how could I have known much difference? I had always had a pretty surface relationship with my Father in Heaven. I prayed a pretty routine prayer every night thanking Him for my family, home, etc. It wasn't until I knew what hardship really was before I really got down on my knees and sought after my Father. For the first time I really did NEED Him, I always did but didn't know the true meaning until now. Isn't this true of trials? They give us a better perspective of how blessed we really are. WHAT blessing really are.
   Although I was still heartbroken and longed for Jayden in my life, I went back to doing what I wanted to do and what I thought brought happiness. I went out with my friends, partied, and danced the night away drowning my sorrow with alcohol, the temporary hider of pain. I still thought I was in control of my life, and I could make me happy again... boy was I so wrong. After getting pregnant with Tucker, I thought, " I did it, I'm going to have a baby and be happy again". I was in control of my happiness, and when were trying to find it through self, it is always temporary. It wasn't until I then buried Tucker that I fell flat on my face knowing I was so wrong in my thinking. I thought I was seeking God's guidance and ways but I was still seeking my own. I don't think I could of been humbled any lower than I was after I knew I couldn't make my dreams come true alone. My praying came down to a whole other level, a level I never knew possible. I began to see God right there by my side, I felt like I was His number one priority even when I knew He was still taking care of the world. I wanted to find peace and happiness so bad, but knew without Him that could never be reached. Sometimes it might not even be reached here on earth, but in Heaven it is always waiting and promised no matter what this lifetime brings us.
  After I completely gave my life over to Him and surrendered my own will, He then could truly take over. Who else would we want to put our lives over to other than the one and only who wanted and knew what was completely best for us? I knew I had the choice but He determines the outcome. Life by all means didn't become instantly easy once Noah was born, nor did my problems go away. But He continued to guide me as I continued to trust and seek His will for me. I often wonder if having this relationship with God would of ever even have been possible if it wasn't for the pain and heartache I went through to know and see God's blessing, and hand in my life, that had always been there. If we go through a life where nothing ever goes wrong, then how do we ever truly appreciate, know, or even really see His blessings in ours? How do we know to even seek Him and His guidance and really trust in His word if we never really know to need it?
   Today I am thankful for trials. Even though they bring pain and heartache it will always be temporary. Knowing His love and why we live for Him everyday, is worth the outcome. Not only being able to reach contentment in this world no matter what, but ultimately reaching Heaven one day where everyday we scarified our wants for His, will be worth whatever pain we went through. Thank you Lord for loving me and entrusting me with the trials of motherhood I endured to know your love for me. I completely trust You in everything today because of it.
   The matter of fact is that we will all go through some trials in life, in all different forms; some in result of bad choices we made, and some in result of just living in a sinful world. Although trial is not a necessity for all to be where they need to be with the Lord, He will defiantly always give you the opportunity to get where you need to be in order to live with Him someday. The choice is yours. How are YOU using your trials today?

What could you handle?

    Growing up my favorite verse in the bible was 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 

As a young girl I pictured this verse in my head as a scene in a dark alley where I was faced with a sinful situation and no matter what it was there would be a way of escape from God. It seemed like such a simple verse and it was comforting knowing I would never be forced into a sinful choice. But I never knew how hard this verse would be for me to understand as I began my journey into motherhood.

    From the very beginning when Jayden passed away, people always said, "I don't know how you got through it; I would have ________ (fill in the blank with whatever they thought they would do). And for a long time I took this as an insult because it made me feel like they thought it was "easier" for me and that me being so "strong" meant I wasn't as sad as they would be. I used to think in my head, well what do they want me to do, sit here and break down crying every time I told someone what happened, shut myself up in my house and never come out, or maybe turn to drugs or attempt suicide to show everyone really how sad I was inside. Believe me sometimes I wanted to just go off the deep end and give up, but I knew deep down I wouldn't ever reach happiness again or most importantly see my baby in heaven one day if I decided to give up. Please don't think for a minute I didn't make bad choices during my grief because I did, but one thing was for certain, I refused to turn away from the Lord.

    Then when I became pregnant with Tucker I used to think, "well would I be able to get though it if it happened again?" The last night before I found out that indeed I would have to endure this hardship again, I lay in bed praying for Tucker, for he was due any day. As I was praying I questioned God and the verse from 1 Corinthians. I thought to myself, "There's no way I could get through it again if it happened", so did that mean God couldn't let it happen to me again because it would be more than I thought I could handle? As I sat there and prayed, feeling Tucker kicking away in my tummy, I never really came up with an answer to this question and went to sleep. Baby Tucker passed away sometime during my slumber that night. 

     This verse then really started to baffle me and I wondered if there was actually a different personal level of strength for everyone or was it the same? Could one thing happen to one person because they could handle it and not to another because they couldn't? Or did we all have the same ability to overcome something? 

    It took me several years and following the birth of my son Noah when I decided on the answer to this question. First of all, no, I was not stronger than others who didn't go through the same thing. God didn't allow me to go through losing two of my children in almost identical ways just to test my personal strength. Sometimes we suffer from hardships through a consequence we made by choice, and yes even though I chose to get pregnant, the death of my babies wasn't in my control. God allowed me and many others to go through unthinkable things because He knew the greatness that could come from it within us and through others. Guess what, we ALL have the same choice, and with God there is always a way of escape, a way to come out a better person, closer to Him and closer to Heaven. Yes there are many different factors that go into a person's life and yes I had many, many supporters and love during the death of my sons. That's one thing many do not have and I can defiantly say that it makes it harder for someone without loving support and prayers. But it does not change the outcome of reality or the pain they feel in their heart; no matter how "good" they have it physically. No matter your circumstance or place in life, God will make available all the tools you personally need to overcome temptation through any situation. It's up to YOU to use them and no situation exists that you wouldn't be able to overcome without God, how I know, because God says so in 1 Corinthians 10:13. So guess what, that verse is still my favorite verse and I am ever so thankful for the choice we have that no one or thing on this earth can take away from us. So next time you wonder how you'll ever get through whatever hardship in your life, remember it's up to YOU and with God you always can.