Seven years ago tonight I laid in bed tossing and turning with a weird pain in my nine month old belly, where my sweet baby Jayden most likely already passed away inside. My heart aches as I watch that young eighteen year old girl walk into her last appointment the next morning and see her dreams of being his mother crushed. The nurse holding her as she cried not knowing how this could ever happen to her... My heart then breaks as I imagine my nineteen year old boyfriend and my mother's face as they hear an unfamiliar and sad voice on the other side of the phone when their caller id says, "Magen"; informing them that baby Jayden is no longer alive. The next few hours were a blur as I held my tummy tight knowing you no longer would kick back on the other side. Knowing I would never get to hear you cry or say "mommy". Knowing I would soon be holding your limp precious body against mine crying, wishing you would just open your eyes and this nightmare would be over. I then pass you around to what should be a room full of smiles and laughs as we gawk over your full head of hair, instead its quiet and everyone's eyes are filled with tears... I remember that first night home, sitting on the floor crying as I looked at your pictures wishing so badly I was rocking you to sleep in your nursery. I then woke to get ready and dressed for your funeral. I'll never forget that small casket going in the ground. How could your sweet and newly made little body be already gone and buried beneath us... how could your life end before it ever got to begin? I never knew a pain like this existed... nor a love so sweet. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me as I replayed the last nine hard months in my head preparing to be a teen and unwed mother and at the end being pushed back to day one. I was just a young teenage girl again on the outside, but on the inside I was longing to be the mother I prepared and changed to become. I've never been so lost and broken in my life then I was that year... I wished so badly I could fast forward to the time where I would be whole again with a baby boy in my arms. Although you could never be replaced, I kept hope of mothering your siblings one day...
Today I sit here with one spunky little two year old boy sweetly laying in his "cars" bed clinging to his blanket, and a beautiful, heavenly little three month baby girl old fast asleep in her crib... what once was your crib where you never got to lay. Instead today you are held tightly in the arms of Jesus with your little brother Tucker who joined you three years later. I'm beyond thankful to be sitting here mothering two out of three of your siblings today. I'm thankful to be the mother you made me today, and you will always be my little boy, my first born, the "big brother" and angel watching over us today. Rest in peace sweet Jayden as you were far to precious ever for this world. I will see you again one day and what a day of rejoicing that will be! 10/10/2006
