You would be seven...

 Seven years ago tonight I laid in bed tossing and turning with a weird pain in my nine month old belly, where my sweet baby Jayden most likely already passed away inside. My heart aches as I watch that young eighteen year old girl walk into her last appointment the next morning and see her dreams of being his mother crushed. The nurse holding her as she cried not knowing how this could ever happen to her... My heart then breaks as I imagine my nineteen year old boyfriend and my mother's face as they hear an unfamiliar and sad voice on the other side of the phone when their caller id says, "Magen"; informing them that baby Jayden is no longer alive. The next few hours were a blur as I held my tummy tight knowing you no longer would kick back on the other side. Knowing I would never get to hear you cry or say "mommy". Knowing I would soon be holding your limp precious body against mine crying, wishing you would just open your eyes and this nightmare would be over. I then pass you around to what should be a room full of smiles and laughs as we gawk over your full head of hair, instead its quiet and everyone's eyes are filled with tears... I remember that first night home, sitting on the floor crying as I looked at your pictures wishing so badly I was rocking you to sleep in your nursery. I then woke to get ready and dressed for your funeral. I'll never forget that small casket going in the ground. How could your sweet and newly made little body be already gone and buried beneath us... how could your life end before it ever got to begin? I never knew a pain like this existed... nor a love so sweet. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me as I replayed the last nine hard months in my head preparing to be a teen and unwed mother and at the end being pushed back to day one. I was just a young teenage girl again on the outside, but on the inside I was longing to be the mother I prepared and changed to become. I've never been so lost and broken in my life then I was that year... I wished so badly I could fast forward to the time where I would be whole again with a baby boy in my arms. Although you could never be replaced, I kept hope of mothering your siblings one day...
   Today I sit here with one spunky little two year old boy sweetly laying in his "cars" bed clinging to his blanket, and a beautiful, heavenly little three month baby girl old fast asleep in her crib... what once was your crib where you never got to lay. Instead today you are held tightly in the arms of Jesus with your little brother Tucker who joined you three years later. I'm beyond thankful to be sitting here mothering two out of three of your siblings today. I'm thankful to be the mother you made me today, and you will always be my little boy, my first born, the "big brother" and angel watching over us today. Rest in peace sweet Jayden as you were far to precious ever for this world. I will see you again one day and what a day of rejoicing that will be! 10/10/2006 

How do you see your trials in life?

   Have you ever thought about how God shows us His love? Does He only show us He loves us by blessings? People everywhere question God's love when they go through heartbreak. Some even think God is punishing them when bad things happen. Is this really how God works?
   Before I buried my first baby, my life was pretty easy. Nothing really "bad" ever happened. For eighteen years I lived never knowing how truly blessed I was. I mean how could I have known much difference? I had always had a pretty surface relationship with my Father in Heaven. I prayed a pretty routine prayer every night thanking Him for my family, home, etc. It wasn't until I knew what hardship really was before I really got down on my knees and sought after my Father. For the first time I really did NEED Him, I always did but didn't know the true meaning until now. Isn't this true of trials? They give us a better perspective of how blessed we really are. WHAT blessing really are.
   Although I was still heartbroken and longed for Jayden in my life, I went back to doing what I wanted to do and what I thought brought happiness. I went out with my friends, partied, and danced the night away drowning my sorrow with alcohol, the temporary hider of pain. I still thought I was in control of my life, and I could make me happy again... boy was I so wrong. After getting pregnant with Tucker, I thought, " I did it, I'm going to have a baby and be happy again". I was in control of my happiness, and when were trying to find it through self, it is always temporary. It wasn't until I then buried Tucker that I fell flat on my face knowing I was so wrong in my thinking. I thought I was seeking God's guidance and ways but I was still seeking my own. I don't think I could of been humbled any lower than I was after I knew I couldn't make my dreams come true alone. My praying came down to a whole other level, a level I never knew possible. I began to see God right there by my side, I felt like I was His number one priority even when I knew He was still taking care of the world. I wanted to find peace and happiness so bad, but knew without Him that could never be reached. Sometimes it might not even be reached here on earth, but in Heaven it is always waiting and promised no matter what this lifetime brings us.
  After I completely gave my life over to Him and surrendered my own will, He then could truly take over. Who else would we want to put our lives over to other than the one and only who wanted and knew what was completely best for us? I knew I had the choice but He determines the outcome. Life by all means didn't become instantly easy once Noah was born, nor did my problems go away. But He continued to guide me as I continued to trust and seek His will for me. I often wonder if having this relationship with God would of ever even have been possible if it wasn't for the pain and heartache I went through to know and see God's blessing, and hand in my life, that had always been there. If we go through a life where nothing ever goes wrong, then how do we ever truly appreciate, know, or even really see His blessings in ours? How do we know to even seek Him and His guidance and really trust in His word if we never really know to need it?
   Today I am thankful for trials. Even though they bring pain and heartache it will always be temporary. Knowing His love and why we live for Him everyday, is worth the outcome. Not only being able to reach contentment in this world no matter what, but ultimately reaching Heaven one day where everyday we scarified our wants for His, will be worth whatever pain we went through. Thank you Lord for loving me and entrusting me with the trials of motherhood I endured to know your love for me. I completely trust You in everything today because of it.
   The matter of fact is that we will all go through some trials in life, in all different forms; some in result of bad choices we made, and some in result of just living in a sinful world. Although trial is not a necessity for all to be where they need to be with the Lord, He will defiantly always give you the opportunity to get where you need to be in order to live with Him someday. The choice is yours. How are YOU using your trials today?

What could you handle?

    Growing up my favorite verse in the bible was 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 

As a young girl I pictured this verse in my head as a scene in a dark alley where I was faced with a sinful situation and no matter what it was there would be a way of escape from God. It seemed like such a simple verse and it was comforting knowing I would never be forced into a sinful choice. But I never knew how hard this verse would be for me to understand as I began my journey into motherhood.

    From the very beginning when Jayden passed away, people always said, "I don't know how you got through it; I would have ________ (fill in the blank with whatever they thought they would do). And for a long time I took this as an insult because it made me feel like they thought it was "easier" for me and that me being so "strong" meant I wasn't as sad as they would be. I used to think in my head, well what do they want me to do, sit here and break down crying every time I told someone what happened, shut myself up in my house and never come out, or maybe turn to drugs or attempt suicide to show everyone really how sad I was inside. Believe me sometimes I wanted to just go off the deep end and give up, but I knew deep down I wouldn't ever reach happiness again or most importantly see my baby in heaven one day if I decided to give up. Please don't think for a minute I didn't make bad choices during my grief because I did, but one thing was for certain, I refused to turn away from the Lord.

    Then when I became pregnant with Tucker I used to think, "well would I be able to get though it if it happened again?" The last night before I found out that indeed I would have to endure this hardship again, I lay in bed praying for Tucker, for he was due any day. As I was praying I questioned God and the verse from 1 Corinthians. I thought to myself, "There's no way I could get through it again if it happened", so did that mean God couldn't let it happen to me again because it would be more than I thought I could handle? As I sat there and prayed, feeling Tucker kicking away in my tummy, I never really came up with an answer to this question and went to sleep. Baby Tucker passed away sometime during my slumber that night. 

     This verse then really started to baffle me and I wondered if there was actually a different personal level of strength for everyone or was it the same? Could one thing happen to one person because they could handle it and not to another because they couldn't? Or did we all have the same ability to overcome something? 

    It took me several years and following the birth of my son Noah when I decided on the answer to this question. First of all, no, I was not stronger than others who didn't go through the same thing. God didn't allow me to go through losing two of my children in almost identical ways just to test my personal strength. Sometimes we suffer from hardships through a consequence we made by choice, and yes even though I chose to get pregnant, the death of my babies wasn't in my control. God allowed me and many others to go through unthinkable things because He knew the greatness that could come from it within us and through others. Guess what, we ALL have the same choice, and with God there is always a way of escape, a way to come out a better person, closer to Him and closer to Heaven. Yes there are many different factors that go into a person's life and yes I had many, many supporters and love during the death of my sons. That's one thing many do not have and I can defiantly say that it makes it harder for someone without loving support and prayers. But it does not change the outcome of reality or the pain they feel in their heart; no matter how "good" they have it physically. No matter your circumstance or place in life, God will make available all the tools you personally need to overcome temptation through any situation. It's up to YOU to use them and no situation exists that you wouldn't be able to overcome without God, how I know, because God says so in 1 Corinthians 10:13. So guess what, that verse is still my favorite verse and I am ever so thankful for the choice we have that no one or thing on this earth can take away from us. So next time you wonder how you'll ever get through whatever hardship in your life, remember it's up to YOU and with God you always can.

7 weeks

  As most of you have heard now, I am seven weeks pregnant with baby number five, yes that's right five... I usually say four but that's all changed as of tonight for me and I'll tell you why. As I began this pregnancy I contemplated on when I should share it with the world. As you see in most all cases today women don't share their news with others until around 10-12 weeks pregnant, which is considered the "safe zone" where miscarriage is less common. I started to really think about what that really meant...  I think it's pretty safe to say that no one intentionally thinks this way when waiting to share the wonderful news of having a child with others, but sometimes we're conformed to this world and it's thinking. Therefore I would like you to take a minute to look at it in my newly found perspective that I've never really considered this much before but felt compelled to share.
  Most of us agree that life is a life at conception. Some of us agree that at conception that baby has a soul. For in Jeremiah 1:5 God says, "Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you." To me no matter how long the baby makes it in the womb before actually setting foot into our world, that baby is a person. When death occurs during pregnancy it's usually because of some error at or after conception that resulted in them not safely getting into this world. Or maybe things still didn't go right at or after conception but they made it safely to our world, but have health issues, handicaps, or even have limited days because of the error. The fact seems to be that just because they actually get to breathe the earth's air, all of of sudden means they bump up on a level of "importance" on our scale of life that "matters". We as a world like to assume that just because we didn't make it quite into this world, we didn't matter, so therefore we really weren't a person... much less had a soul. Truth is we ALL start out the same, small as a sesame seed, and maybe not even big enough to let other's ever see you even existed in mom's belly... but does that change the fact of our importance as a life? Now this isn't a discussion on abortion and I'm not here to judge your views... I'm here to tell you this;

Number one: Waiting to tell other's about your growing child inside of you, no matter at what stage, is leaving room for fear, for doubt, for error... Now that's not to say it's your fault by any means if you did miscarry before deciding to share, but I feel only leaving room for God and leaving what's in His control in His hands. Instead, even thinking "Oh you might die baby so I don't want to tell anyone about you just yet..." is trying to put it in your control. That may sound harsh but isn't that what we're telling them? How would you feel if your mom told you "I didn't want to share your life with anyone until I felt comfortable enough that you would live in our world one day"...?
Number two: Knowing what I know now and the time I did have with each of my children, even though they didn't get to breathe our air, cherish each and EVERY day you have with them. Even if you don't ever get to feel him or her kick you from the inside, doesn't mean he wasn't kicking, he just wasn't big enough yet to "show" himself to you or even the world. Truth is he was heading in the same direction you were before you got be big enough to "matter" or far enough to get to take a breath on the outside, as if all of a sudden that qualifies in our world as "importance" because now their on "our" level of life...
Thirdly: Every person is a blessing and a creation from God whether they live 5 months in your womb, 5 years on this earth, or 55 years. Their importance or definition of living didn't increase just because of the time they spent here.
  The truth is you don't have to live or spend anytime actually on this Earth in order to be in God's house for eternity. My sons Jayden and Tucker never got to take a breath on this Earth, even though they were days away from it, they never quite made it. Needless to say they ARE in heaven and I don't have to have anyone living try to convince me of that. Their life mattered as much as mine and as much as yours, maybe not to you in particular but to God they do or they never would of had any inch of existence at all. It's just some of us get to exist longer than others here on Earth, but what matters is if we are or aren't going to exist in Heaven... It's us as the "living" that need to worry about our lives and the decisions were making about our soul here and now, than trying to decide and define the importance of those on their way to our world whether they make it or not...
  After saying all that, I believe you should tell and share the life inside of you with as many as possible while you can. because their life matters no matter if anyone knows they exist or not... So yes my early miscarriage back in December of 2007 was my child too, I just didn't get the pleasure of knowing them as long as my sweet Jayden and Tucker :) or as long as my currently living blessing Noah.
So here's to being seven weeks pregnant with another sweet child and here's to their life no matter how longed it's lived!

-yours truly,
    Mommy Magen now a mommy to five :)

Find your "with" side!

    Lately I have really been thinking about my place in this world and how God uses each and everyone of us, not just for Him, but for each other... After saying goodbye to my boys I started to see everyone and everything differently. It's like my eyes were switched out with a different pair, and I started seeing things I never knew existed. After so many years of seeing other moms with their babies and thinking, "they don't know how blessed they are to be a mother to a healthy, much less alive, baby",  God switched around my thinking... I don't blame anyone for not knowing the pain of being on the "without" side of life, but instead I started becoming compassionate about other's and tried to see the "with" side of life I was on. One day I was at CVS buying a birthday card when I saw a young pregnant couple doing the same... As I watched them I remembered the joy of knowing a child was coming into your life and thought, "if they only knew what it felt like for me to see them and know what I really ended up enduring instead..." Then I thought there must be tons of people out there looking at other's, even at me and thinking the same thing but about different things. For example, you may be having an outing with your mother one day and you never know who's on the other side watching you and thinking, "if she only knew how blessed she is to be with her mother", because I lost mine years ago. Or someone who can no longer walk, looking at you sitting down because your sick of walking, and they would do anything to take one more step again... Be careful what you say and what you complain about because I guarantee you wouldn't want to fully be without whatever current "annoyance" you may be complaining about. It may be your crying baby (grieving mother), your aching feet (paraplegic), your long, "tanglely" hair (chemo patient), nagging mom (orphan), or yes even your immature husband (widower), for every ability and person in your life is a blessing and someone knows the pain of being without.
    I've really come to realize it's not about what God thinks you can handle, it's about what God knows you can choose to do with it that brings Him glory and makes other's appreciate what God has blessed them with in their life. So next time your faced with a painful struggle in life, don't focus on what your living without but what your living WITH... and give God glory. Sometimes others are hurting in order for you to heal and become more grateful, so don't feel sorry for them, but make yourself better because of them.

You never forget

   On a week to week basis, give or take, I come across someone new to tell my story to. Most of the time it's simply because they ask if Noah's my only child, but sometimes I feel compelled to share that part of my life with other's who first meet me, simply because it has become such a big part of my life and who I am today. Being an angel mom from day one changes your life just as becoming a mother, wife, or sibling would except in different ways. I have found it very frustrating when I briefly tell my story and because I have been doing so for the past 6 years now, it probably sounds pretty emotionless to a stranger and that's because it's become my "norm"... So this is for every stranger or first-time "hearer" of my story on the memories I'll never forget, the pain I'll never forget, and the love I'll never forget. I'm pretty positive I can speak for most angel moms when I say the following...

I'll never forget:

-the first time I heard the word's "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat."
- holding a lifeless, cold baby in my arms but still in awe because that's my child
- all the painfully ironic-ness of how every aspect of my labor/delivery and meeting my child is the total opposite from the happiest day of my life
- binding my chest tightly because my milk is coming in but I don't have a newborn to snuggle and nurse
- leaving the hospital seeing everyone else's congrats balloons in the hall while I get wheeled out empty-armed
- getting the courage and strength to go look at my baby in his casket and then bury his precious body in the cold ground
- going home to a beautiful nursery I spent so much heart and soul in preparing
- the smell of just washed baby clothes, teddy bears and that one special outfit I couldn't wait to see them in, as I pack them away
-  looking at pictures of my baby I got to spend limited hours with but trying to remember every thing about him for it was my one and only day to be physically his mother
- going back to work and getting through each awkward moment as I "break" the news to every co-worker and customer who knew I was pregnant last time they saw me
-wanting to so badly wake up from this nightmare
- going out in public picturing every detailed thing I'd be doing with my baby, instead of other's awing over my little bundle of joy, they walk past me never knowing my baby existed
- experiencing each of my babies' firsts in my mind over and over again
- looking at countless pictures on FB of other's who just had their baby and as painful as it is, I can't look away because for a moment I want to pretend it's me
- hearing everyone's "explanations" for why my baby didn't make it into this world
- putting on a smile and pretending like the comment of someone saying, " oh you can have my child for day if you'd like." in a "sarcastic" manner as if they even knew for a minute what it really felt like to never see your child grow another day older
- seeing and meeting other children around what my child's age would be now, and wanting so desperately to share my child's doings with them too
- wishing I could just go back to being "back-aching" pregnant one more day just so I could feel my baby's life kicking away inside me again
- wanting to die just for a moment so the indescribable pain in my heart stops just for a moment
-going to the cemetery on Mother's Day, Holidays, and his first birthday to sing Happy Birthday and light a big number 1 candle at his grave site
- hearing people tell me to "move on", that my baby's life never exisited because he died before he lived
- scared to death to become pregnant again in fear I might have to live through all of it again but so badly wanting to be a mother... only to do it again

After saying all of that please don't stop reading now...

I'll never forget:
- feeling the presence of God in my bedroom as I cry on my knees begging for His mercy
- leaning on my husband as he cries with me assuring me it will be alright and loving him even more
- smiling when I see a beautiful sunset because I know my child's with God
- being uplifted by prayer and my spiritual family
- hearing people say, "your strength inspires me."
- uplifting the Lord in hymn, feeling every word like I've never felt them before
- being able to hear His word in a way I never knew existed
- leaning on God fully because I've been humbled as low as possible
- finally stop trying to be in control of "my" life
- letting go and truly letting God
- knowing others cherish their babies that much more just because they know I couldn't
- seeing my blessings much clearer because I now know how it feels to be without
- knowing I have God's promise of an eternity with my babies one day in Heaven
- feeling closer to my babies when I'm closer to God
- hearing God whisper in my heart, "don't give up."
- hearing my third baby boy crying at the top of his lungs
- holding a warm, snuggled new born baby in my arms and praising God
- being wheeled out of a hospital with a baby in my arms
- hearing, "congratulations" and knowing I don't have to correct them...
- knowing I have an almighty and all power God that loves me and never left my side even when I may have left His...
- being a mom to a beautiful healthy 15 month old baby boy... but NEVER forgetting how I got there :)

In honor of October being Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month, thank you for reading

R.I.P.
Jayden Noah
10-10-06
Baby Kaye
Dec 2007
Tucker Steven
02-03-10

Taking control

   Lately I have really been down in the dumps. I have always based my ideas of myself by what everyone else thinks... and I'm trying hard to figure out why this is. I'm sick of constantly trying to decipher what everyone else thinks of me and let it bring me down. The older I get the less confident as a person I feel, and the less important. Why? The more I think about my life and the events I've been through, the more I wonder what my purpose is here on Earth and who the heck I am. I'm so sick of thinking I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, and bla bla bla! From now on I want to work on building confidence in myself, and creating the person I want to be, instead of waiting around for other's to convince me I am. But how do you go about this? I've created such bad habits in my thinking that I feel trapped in my own mind sometimes. I've got to start going after my dreams and making them come true. If I'm always trying to bring glory to God in everything I do, then I'll He'll give me the strength and courage to do them, just as He always has. If I've learned anything from the struggles I went through becoming a mom, it's that God believed in me enough to get me there. I know my possibilities are endless with Him as my Father and leader. I'm sick of sitting around not feeling like enough, its time to make MYSELF proud. I'm going to press forward with all my might to make this girl the best she wants to be... YOLO! As much as I hate that acronym I feel it appropriate at this moment in time! :)  By the way, that girl down there is ME and I think she's pretty awesome!!