You would be seven...

 Seven years ago tonight I laid in bed tossing and turning with a weird pain in my nine month old belly, where my sweet baby Jayden most likely already passed away inside. My heart aches as I watch that young eighteen year old girl walk into her last appointment the next morning and see her dreams of being his mother crushed. The nurse holding her as she cried not knowing how this could ever happen to her... My heart then breaks as I imagine my nineteen year old boyfriend and my mother's face as they hear an unfamiliar and sad voice on the other side of the phone when their caller id says, "Magen"; informing them that baby Jayden is no longer alive. The next few hours were a blur as I held my tummy tight knowing you no longer would kick back on the other side. Knowing I would never get to hear you cry or say "mommy". Knowing I would soon be holding your limp precious body against mine crying, wishing you would just open your eyes and this nightmare would be over. I then pass you around to what should be a room full of smiles and laughs as we gawk over your full head of hair, instead its quiet and everyone's eyes are filled with tears... I remember that first night home, sitting on the floor crying as I looked at your pictures wishing so badly I was rocking you to sleep in your nursery. I then woke to get ready and dressed for your funeral. I'll never forget that small casket going in the ground. How could your sweet and newly made little body be already gone and buried beneath us... how could your life end before it ever got to begin? I never knew a pain like this existed... nor a love so sweet. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me as I replayed the last nine hard months in my head preparing to be a teen and unwed mother and at the end being pushed back to day one. I was just a young teenage girl again on the outside, but on the inside I was longing to be the mother I prepared and changed to become. I've never been so lost and broken in my life then I was that year... I wished so badly I could fast forward to the time where I would be whole again with a baby boy in my arms. Although you could never be replaced, I kept hope of mothering your siblings one day...
   Today I sit here with one spunky little two year old boy sweetly laying in his "cars" bed clinging to his blanket, and a beautiful, heavenly little three month baby girl old fast asleep in her crib... what once was your crib where you never got to lay. Instead today you are held tightly in the arms of Jesus with your little brother Tucker who joined you three years later. I'm beyond thankful to be sitting here mothering two out of three of your siblings today. I'm thankful to be the mother you made me today, and you will always be my little boy, my first born, the "big brother" and angel watching over us today. Rest in peace sweet Jayden as you were far to precious ever for this world. I will see you again one day and what a day of rejoicing that will be! 10/10/2006 

How do you see your trials in life?

   Have you ever thought about how God shows us His love? Does He only show us He loves us by blessings? People everywhere question God's love when they go through heartbreak. Some even think God is punishing them when bad things happen. Is this really how God works?
   Before I buried my first baby, my life was pretty easy. Nothing really "bad" ever happened. For eighteen years I lived never knowing how truly blessed I was. I mean how could I have known much difference? I had always had a pretty surface relationship with my Father in Heaven. I prayed a pretty routine prayer every night thanking Him for my family, home, etc. It wasn't until I knew what hardship really was before I really got down on my knees and sought after my Father. For the first time I really did NEED Him, I always did but didn't know the true meaning until now. Isn't this true of trials? They give us a better perspective of how blessed we really are. WHAT blessing really are.
   Although I was still heartbroken and longed for Jayden in my life, I went back to doing what I wanted to do and what I thought brought happiness. I went out with my friends, partied, and danced the night away drowning my sorrow with alcohol, the temporary hider of pain. I still thought I was in control of my life, and I could make me happy again... boy was I so wrong. After getting pregnant with Tucker, I thought, " I did it, I'm going to have a baby and be happy again". I was in control of my happiness, and when were trying to find it through self, it is always temporary. It wasn't until I then buried Tucker that I fell flat on my face knowing I was so wrong in my thinking. I thought I was seeking God's guidance and ways but I was still seeking my own. I don't think I could of been humbled any lower than I was after I knew I couldn't make my dreams come true alone. My praying came down to a whole other level, a level I never knew possible. I began to see God right there by my side, I felt like I was His number one priority even when I knew He was still taking care of the world. I wanted to find peace and happiness so bad, but knew without Him that could never be reached. Sometimes it might not even be reached here on earth, but in Heaven it is always waiting and promised no matter what this lifetime brings us.
  After I completely gave my life over to Him and surrendered my own will, He then could truly take over. Who else would we want to put our lives over to other than the one and only who wanted and knew what was completely best for us? I knew I had the choice but He determines the outcome. Life by all means didn't become instantly easy once Noah was born, nor did my problems go away. But He continued to guide me as I continued to trust and seek His will for me. I often wonder if having this relationship with God would of ever even have been possible if it wasn't for the pain and heartache I went through to know and see God's blessing, and hand in my life, that had always been there. If we go through a life where nothing ever goes wrong, then how do we ever truly appreciate, know, or even really see His blessings in ours? How do we know to even seek Him and His guidance and really trust in His word if we never really know to need it?
   Today I am thankful for trials. Even though they bring pain and heartache it will always be temporary. Knowing His love and why we live for Him everyday, is worth the outcome. Not only being able to reach contentment in this world no matter what, but ultimately reaching Heaven one day where everyday we scarified our wants for His, will be worth whatever pain we went through. Thank you Lord for loving me and entrusting me with the trials of motherhood I endured to know your love for me. I completely trust You in everything today because of it.
   The matter of fact is that we will all go through some trials in life, in all different forms; some in result of bad choices we made, and some in result of just living in a sinful world. Although trial is not a necessity for all to be where they need to be with the Lord, He will defiantly always give you the opportunity to get where you need to be in order to live with Him someday. The choice is yours. How are YOU using your trials today?

What could you handle?

    Growing up my favorite verse in the bible was 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 

As a young girl I pictured this verse in my head as a scene in a dark alley where I was faced with a sinful situation and no matter what it was there would be a way of escape from God. It seemed like such a simple verse and it was comforting knowing I would never be forced into a sinful choice. But I never knew how hard this verse would be for me to understand as I began my journey into motherhood.

    From the very beginning when Jayden passed away, people always said, "I don't know how you got through it; I would have ________ (fill in the blank with whatever they thought they would do). And for a long time I took this as an insult because it made me feel like they thought it was "easier" for me and that me being so "strong" meant I wasn't as sad as they would be. I used to think in my head, well what do they want me to do, sit here and break down crying every time I told someone what happened, shut myself up in my house and never come out, or maybe turn to drugs or attempt suicide to show everyone really how sad I was inside. Believe me sometimes I wanted to just go off the deep end and give up, but I knew deep down I wouldn't ever reach happiness again or most importantly see my baby in heaven one day if I decided to give up. Please don't think for a minute I didn't make bad choices during my grief because I did, but one thing was for certain, I refused to turn away from the Lord.

    Then when I became pregnant with Tucker I used to think, "well would I be able to get though it if it happened again?" The last night before I found out that indeed I would have to endure this hardship again, I lay in bed praying for Tucker, for he was due any day. As I was praying I questioned God and the verse from 1 Corinthians. I thought to myself, "There's no way I could get through it again if it happened", so did that mean God couldn't let it happen to me again because it would be more than I thought I could handle? As I sat there and prayed, feeling Tucker kicking away in my tummy, I never really came up with an answer to this question and went to sleep. Baby Tucker passed away sometime during my slumber that night. 

     This verse then really started to baffle me and I wondered if there was actually a different personal level of strength for everyone or was it the same? Could one thing happen to one person because they could handle it and not to another because they couldn't? Or did we all have the same ability to overcome something? 

    It took me several years and following the birth of my son Noah when I decided on the answer to this question. First of all, no, I was not stronger than others who didn't go through the same thing. God didn't allow me to go through losing two of my children in almost identical ways just to test my personal strength. Sometimes we suffer from hardships through a consequence we made by choice, and yes even though I chose to get pregnant, the death of my babies wasn't in my control. God allowed me and many others to go through unthinkable things because He knew the greatness that could come from it within us and through others. Guess what, we ALL have the same choice, and with God there is always a way of escape, a way to come out a better person, closer to Him and closer to Heaven. Yes there are many different factors that go into a person's life and yes I had many, many supporters and love during the death of my sons. That's one thing many do not have and I can defiantly say that it makes it harder for someone without loving support and prayers. But it does not change the outcome of reality or the pain they feel in their heart; no matter how "good" they have it physically. No matter your circumstance or place in life, God will make available all the tools you personally need to overcome temptation through any situation. It's up to YOU to use them and no situation exists that you wouldn't be able to overcome without God, how I know, because God says so in 1 Corinthians 10:13. So guess what, that verse is still my favorite verse and I am ever so thankful for the choice we have that no one or thing on this earth can take away from us. So next time you wonder how you'll ever get through whatever hardship in your life, remember it's up to YOU and with God you always can.

7 weeks

  As most of you have heard now, I am seven weeks pregnant with baby number five, yes that's right five... I usually say four but that's all changed as of tonight for me and I'll tell you why. As I began this pregnancy I contemplated on when I should share it with the world. As you see in most all cases today women don't share their news with others until around 10-12 weeks pregnant, which is considered the "safe zone" where miscarriage is less common. I started to really think about what that really meant...  I think it's pretty safe to say that no one intentionally thinks this way when waiting to share the wonderful news of having a child with others, but sometimes we're conformed to this world and it's thinking. Therefore I would like you to take a minute to look at it in my newly found perspective that I've never really considered this much before but felt compelled to share.
  Most of us agree that life is a life at conception. Some of us agree that at conception that baby has a soul. For in Jeremiah 1:5 God says, "Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you." To me no matter how long the baby makes it in the womb before actually setting foot into our world, that baby is a person. When death occurs during pregnancy it's usually because of some error at or after conception that resulted in them not safely getting into this world. Or maybe things still didn't go right at or after conception but they made it safely to our world, but have health issues, handicaps, or even have limited days because of the error. The fact seems to be that just because they actually get to breathe the earth's air, all of of sudden means they bump up on a level of "importance" on our scale of life that "matters". We as a world like to assume that just because we didn't make it quite into this world, we didn't matter, so therefore we really weren't a person... much less had a soul. Truth is we ALL start out the same, small as a sesame seed, and maybe not even big enough to let other's ever see you even existed in mom's belly... but does that change the fact of our importance as a life? Now this isn't a discussion on abortion and I'm not here to judge your views... I'm here to tell you this;

Number one: Waiting to tell other's about your growing child inside of you, no matter at what stage, is leaving room for fear, for doubt, for error... Now that's not to say it's your fault by any means if you did miscarry before deciding to share, but I feel only leaving room for God and leaving what's in His control in His hands. Instead, even thinking "Oh you might die baby so I don't want to tell anyone about you just yet..." is trying to put it in your control. That may sound harsh but isn't that what we're telling them? How would you feel if your mom told you "I didn't want to share your life with anyone until I felt comfortable enough that you would live in our world one day"...?
Number two: Knowing what I know now and the time I did have with each of my children, even though they didn't get to breathe our air, cherish each and EVERY day you have with them. Even if you don't ever get to feel him or her kick you from the inside, doesn't mean he wasn't kicking, he just wasn't big enough yet to "show" himself to you or even the world. Truth is he was heading in the same direction you were before you got be big enough to "matter" or far enough to get to take a breath on the outside, as if all of a sudden that qualifies in our world as "importance" because now their on "our" level of life...
Thirdly: Every person is a blessing and a creation from God whether they live 5 months in your womb, 5 years on this earth, or 55 years. Their importance or definition of living didn't increase just because of the time they spent here.
  The truth is you don't have to live or spend anytime actually on this Earth in order to be in God's house for eternity. My sons Jayden and Tucker never got to take a breath on this Earth, even though they were days away from it, they never quite made it. Needless to say they ARE in heaven and I don't have to have anyone living try to convince me of that. Their life mattered as much as mine and as much as yours, maybe not to you in particular but to God they do or they never would of had any inch of existence at all. It's just some of us get to exist longer than others here on Earth, but what matters is if we are or aren't going to exist in Heaven... It's us as the "living" that need to worry about our lives and the decisions were making about our soul here and now, than trying to decide and define the importance of those on their way to our world whether they make it or not...
  After saying all that, I believe you should tell and share the life inside of you with as many as possible while you can. because their life matters no matter if anyone knows they exist or not... So yes my early miscarriage back in December of 2007 was my child too, I just didn't get the pleasure of knowing them as long as my sweet Jayden and Tucker :) or as long as my currently living blessing Noah.
So here's to being seven weeks pregnant with another sweet child and here's to their life no matter how longed it's lived!

-yours truly,
    Mommy Magen now a mommy to five :)

Find your "with" side!

    Lately I have really been thinking about my place in this world and how God uses each and everyone of us, not just for Him, but for each other... After saying goodbye to my boys I started to see everyone and everything differently. It's like my eyes were switched out with a different pair, and I started seeing things I never knew existed. After so many years of seeing other moms with their babies and thinking, "they don't know how blessed they are to be a mother to a healthy, much less alive, baby",  God switched around my thinking... I don't blame anyone for not knowing the pain of being on the "without" side of life, but instead I started becoming compassionate about other's and tried to see the "with" side of life I was on. One day I was at CVS buying a birthday card when I saw a young pregnant couple doing the same... As I watched them I remembered the joy of knowing a child was coming into your life and thought, "if they only knew what it felt like for me to see them and know what I really ended up enduring instead..." Then I thought there must be tons of people out there looking at other's, even at me and thinking the same thing but about different things. For example, you may be having an outing with your mother one day and you never know who's on the other side watching you and thinking, "if she only knew how blessed she is to be with her mother", because I lost mine years ago. Or someone who can no longer walk, looking at you sitting down because your sick of walking, and they would do anything to take one more step again... Be careful what you say and what you complain about because I guarantee you wouldn't want to fully be without whatever current "annoyance" you may be complaining about. It may be your crying baby (grieving mother), your aching feet (paraplegic), your long, "tanglely" hair (chemo patient), nagging mom (orphan), or yes even your immature husband (widower), for every ability and person in your life is a blessing and someone knows the pain of being without.
    I've really come to realize it's not about what God thinks you can handle, it's about what God knows you can choose to do with it that brings Him glory and makes other's appreciate what God has blessed them with in their life. So next time your faced with a painful struggle in life, don't focus on what your living without but what your living WITH... and give God glory. Sometimes others are hurting in order for you to heal and become more grateful, so don't feel sorry for them, but make yourself better because of them.

You never forget

   On a week to week basis, give or take, I come across someone new to tell my story to. Most of the time it's simply because they ask if Noah's my only child, but sometimes I feel compelled to share that part of my life with other's who first meet me, simply because it has become such a big part of my life and who I am today. Being an angel mom from day one changes your life just as becoming a mother, wife, or sibling would except in different ways. I have found it very frustrating when I briefly tell my story and because I have been doing so for the past 6 years now, it probably sounds pretty emotionless to a stranger and that's because it's become my "norm"... So this is for every stranger or first-time "hearer" of my story on the memories I'll never forget, the pain I'll never forget, and the love I'll never forget. I'm pretty positive I can speak for most angel moms when I say the following...

I'll never forget:

-the first time I heard the word's "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat."
- holding a lifeless, cold baby in my arms but still in awe because that's my child
- all the painfully ironic-ness of how every aspect of my labor/delivery and meeting my child is the total opposite from the happiest day of my life
- binding my chest tightly because my milk is coming in but I don't have a newborn to snuggle and nurse
- leaving the hospital seeing everyone else's congrats balloons in the hall while I get wheeled out empty-armed
- getting the courage and strength to go look at my baby in his casket and then bury his precious body in the cold ground
- going home to a beautiful nursery I spent so much heart and soul in preparing
- the smell of just washed baby clothes, teddy bears and that one special outfit I couldn't wait to see them in, as I pack them away
-  looking at pictures of my baby I got to spend limited hours with but trying to remember every thing about him for it was my one and only day to be physically his mother
- going back to work and getting through each awkward moment as I "break" the news to every co-worker and customer who knew I was pregnant last time they saw me
-wanting to so badly wake up from this nightmare
- going out in public picturing every detailed thing I'd be doing with my baby, instead of other's awing over my little bundle of joy, they walk past me never knowing my baby existed
- experiencing each of my babies' firsts in my mind over and over again
- looking at countless pictures on FB of other's who just had their baby and as painful as it is, I can't look away because for a moment I want to pretend it's me
- hearing everyone's "explanations" for why my baby didn't make it into this world
- putting on a smile and pretending like the comment of someone saying, " oh you can have my child for day if you'd like." in a "sarcastic" manner as if they even knew for a minute what it really felt like to never see your child grow another day older
- seeing and meeting other children around what my child's age would be now, and wanting so desperately to share my child's doings with them too
- wishing I could just go back to being "back-aching" pregnant one more day just so I could feel my baby's life kicking away inside me again
- wanting to die just for a moment so the indescribable pain in my heart stops just for a moment
-going to the cemetery on Mother's Day, Holidays, and his first birthday to sing Happy Birthday and light a big number 1 candle at his grave site
- hearing people tell me to "move on", that my baby's life never exisited because he died before he lived
- scared to death to become pregnant again in fear I might have to live through all of it again but so badly wanting to be a mother... only to do it again

After saying all of that please don't stop reading now...

I'll never forget:
- feeling the presence of God in my bedroom as I cry on my knees begging for His mercy
- leaning on my husband as he cries with me assuring me it will be alright and loving him even more
- smiling when I see a beautiful sunset because I know my child's with God
- being uplifted by prayer and my spiritual family
- hearing people say, "your strength inspires me."
- uplifting the Lord in hymn, feeling every word like I've never felt them before
- being able to hear His word in a way I never knew existed
- leaning on God fully because I've been humbled as low as possible
- finally stop trying to be in control of "my" life
- letting go and truly letting God
- knowing others cherish their babies that much more just because they know I couldn't
- seeing my blessings much clearer because I now know how it feels to be without
- knowing I have God's promise of an eternity with my babies one day in Heaven
- feeling closer to my babies when I'm closer to God
- hearing God whisper in my heart, "don't give up."
- hearing my third baby boy crying at the top of his lungs
- holding a warm, snuggled new born baby in my arms and praising God
- being wheeled out of a hospital with a baby in my arms
- hearing, "congratulations" and knowing I don't have to correct them...
- knowing I have an almighty and all power God that loves me and never left my side even when I may have left His...
- being a mom to a beautiful healthy 15 month old baby boy... but NEVER forgetting how I got there :)

In honor of October being Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month, thank you for reading

R.I.P.
Jayden Noah
10-10-06
Baby Kaye
Dec 2007
Tucker Steven
02-03-10

Taking control

   Lately I have really been down in the dumps. I have always based my ideas of myself by what everyone else thinks... and I'm trying hard to figure out why this is. I'm sick of constantly trying to decipher what everyone else thinks of me and let it bring me down. The older I get the less confident as a person I feel, and the less important. Why? The more I think about my life and the events I've been through, the more I wonder what my purpose is here on Earth and who the heck I am. I'm so sick of thinking I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, and bla bla bla! From now on I want to work on building confidence in myself, and creating the person I want to be, instead of waiting around for other's to convince me I am. But how do you go about this? I've created such bad habits in my thinking that I feel trapped in my own mind sometimes. I've got to start going after my dreams and making them come true. If I'm always trying to bring glory to God in everything I do, then I'll He'll give me the strength and courage to do them, just as He always has. If I've learned anything from the struggles I went through becoming a mom, it's that God believed in me enough to get me there. I know my possibilities are endless with Him as my Father and leader. I'm sick of sitting around not feeling like enough, its time to make MYSELF proud. I'm going to press forward with all my might to make this girl the best she wants to be... YOLO! As much as I hate that acronym I feel it appropriate at this moment in time! :)  By the way, that girl down there is ME and I think she's pretty awesome!!

Instead of why look at who

   As I returned from bible class tonight, over an extinsive lesson of prayer from Matthew 7:7-11, it really hit home on what I like to call "my summer" of 2010. Praying became very hard after I prayed every night for my sweet baby Tucker to be healthy, after loosing his big brother tragically from his cord just a few years prior. I thought I "deserved" him after going thru such heartache... Although I wanted His will to be done, let's face it, I didnt want to go through another painful loss. After loosing Tucker as well, just days before his due date, I became utterly confused. How could I learn anything more from going through this again, what is God trying to tell me? "That I'm not meant to be a mom"? "Is my faith being tested even more now?" "Am I simply not listening to God's answer?" During my pregnancy with Noah praying got even harder. I knew I wanted a healthy living baby to take home with me... but was that's God's will or my own want? Some people may have thought, "ok Magen maybe your just not meant to be a mom, give up already!" Yes I considered adoption and I'm all for it, but I just so desperatley wanted a child of my own and for the most part that was physically possible still for me, so i wasn't giving up just yet. Loosing Jayden and Tucker wasn't God saying any of those things;  It was all apart of God's plan to get my relationship where it needed to be with Him, and ultimately everyone watching and getting them where they needed to be just in time to see the birth of Noah.  From the words of my preacher Mark Roberts, "pain sometimes is a big microphone for us to hear His purpose," and he's so right. And even though our answer may of not been what we wanted the first two times, I believe He will always provide an opportunity for us to grow spiritually and give glory to Him. I believe with any pain you can find purpose and that's the beauty in our God. Mark gave a good example tonight in his lesson; while someone may be praying for a life to be saved after a fatile car wreck, another may be praying for a heart. <3 Someone's ultimately gonna get hurt.  I guarantee loosing my boys made someone else hold theirs alittle tighter and hold their patience alittle longer :) 
   People used to say, "why'd this happen to a loving couple who wanted they're baby while they're is others who have abortions or throw their baby's in the trash..." And if you see it this way you def need to look at the bigger picture of our world and how God is always working in it. If good things only happened to "good" people and bad to bad people, why would we ever need faith? There would no longer be a choice to love and trust God, instead our motive would change to fully self and we wouldn't seek God's will for us. Matthew 5:45 says " for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." But remember His people have the redemption of sin and ultimately the gift of living eternally in heaven! Don't ever lose sight no matter how bad the view gets here on Earth! After going thru such a tragic event it's now easier to see Gods blessings in my life on day to day things, b/c I notice what could of happened but didn't :)  May God bless you!

Hopes not a crime

   Last Thursday I got an awesome opportunity to share my story live and on the record for anyone to hear on a blog radio show, and it felt great! I constantly reflect on both of my pregnancies, births, losses, and faith, all three of my boys blessed me with experiencing, and sometimes I go crazy needing to get these thoughts out. I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders when I got to do just that with a woman I now adore and look up to, Shellie Nichol Chander :) She started a ministry called "Hopes not a crime" after hearing the news that her son Cody has a terminal illness and has been given so many years to live; which he keeps proving them wrong with each year he's alive. Shellie has found hope knowing God knows no statistics, no matter what the world or doctors may say. She now spreads the word or hope and what it means to find it through our savior Jesus Christ.
  It was my first time really speaking, and as you can see, I'm much better at writing my thoughts out, but I hope one day to get to publicly speak in an inspirational and natural way. If there's any one message I would want others to take from my story it's this: Jayden and Tucker were no accident, "miss hearings" from God, or even tragedies. They were meant to be apart of this world, my world, if even for a short-lived 9 months in my womb. No they never got to speak a world, never got to breathe our air, or even get to look into our eyes, but they taught me more than anyone living ever could. They took me through a journey and made me live on faith only to get to my dream of motherhood with every ounce I had left. Without having had Jayden and Tucker before Noah, Noah would of just looked like another birth into this world that happens everyday. Instead Noah was a miracle in the flesh for us to all see, for everyone involved to believe, and know that God does hear and answer our prayers. That with God anything is possible and He can defy all odds. That He can get us through anything and walk in our daily lives if we let Him. I've never felt so close to Him than I did that summer getting pregnant with Noah. It's a humbling and awing experience that I otherwise would of never got to experience and I thank God that He choose me to get to live that and share it with others. Thank you God for believing in me and making me feel your undivided attention and love even though you're also taking care of this entire world we live in. I hope I made you proud and continue to fulfill your will for me in my life, spreading hope for others. You are amazing and I will praise you through storm and shine!

To listen to my show with Shellie, go here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/hopes-not-a-crime-shellie-nichol/2012/07/20/when-lightening-strikes-twice-a-journey-to-motherhood    
Shellie's ministry: www.hopesnotacrime.org
 Or join the group "hopes not a crime" on FB

Thank you all and as Shellie says, " keep hope in your heart, and two thumbs in the air!"

-Magen <3

I am a mother

    I wanted to talk about the biggest and one of the hardest parts of being angel mom. Even though I have one living son today, I still struggle with this recognition of being seen as a mother. One of the hardest parts of burying each one of my babies was going back into the world seen as the same woman I was before I became pregnant. After carrying each one of my babies for nine months and enduring and feeling all the things each woman feels while carrying their children do; it was hard to see all those women now being able to live out their days with their babies and getting to be a mom. I grieved each moment I was supposed to be doing "mom" things with my baby, especially when I was out in public. Any time I went to the store I imagined myself pushing my baby around in my cart, or while eating out at a restaurant, I pictured my baby sitting in his highchair while other's smiled in awe at his cuteness. Every single day I pictured and grieved at the moments I dreamed of fulfilling with my baby, and carrying on with my previously lived day to day life alone was agonizing. I ached to still be seen as their mom, and for others to know, hey I have a baby too! The joy you want to express to others, after an anxiously anticipated nine months, doesn't go away even though you know the heartache you actually endured when you left the hospital empty armed.
   As I carried my second son Tucker this anticipation was even stronger, and I remember crying at the thought of getting to finally fulfill each one of those moments with him... only to live out those gut-wrenching empty moments again. And when I carried my third son Noah, I remember being more afraid of having to grieve those moments a third time even more so then the act of leaving the hospital empty-armed, because the truth is in the hospital you were still seem as a mother to this sweet baby boy you just delivered. Even though the room was silent and filled with tears, I couldn't help but smile while I got to hold my sweet angel in my arms. I knew the reality was when I left that hospital I was only left with pictures of my silent baby boy who would never grow to be more than his little 8lb 2oz newborn self. In the hospital I was still seen as his mom, where as soon as I went back into the day to day world, I was seen alone. They sometimes felt like a dream, a dream I never wanted to forget.
   Now the title of "Noah's mom" means more to me than you could ever know. He was the answer to all those moments I wanted to fulfill. And every moment I was in front of anyone, I wanted to physically been seen as his mom. It was a struggle because I felt so much anxiety when others were giving him care, especially in public, because if for a moment I felt once again like that lonely girl, I would feel that pit in the bottom of my stomach, so I would hog him to myself...
  Sometimes just knowing you are a mom to three precious boys isn't enough, and I want the whole world to know it. I'm still healing everyday and I know that one day when I get to Heaven there's no doubt that I'll will finally get to be a mother to them all :) Can't wait for my family to one day get to be complete. And I thank Jesus for giving me that hope of eternal life with them. I am a mother to three beautiful boys :)
   

The beginning

Ok so I know it's been forever since I last posted and I often get mad at myself for not continuing in this blog like I would of liked to, but during my last pregnancy with Noah my mind was so overloaded with emotions and feelings that I just couldn't keep up. With all of that being said I want to pick back up now that my sweet Noah is a year old and my feelings and emotions are in a whole new place that I'd love to share again.

My mind really goes into deep thought mode when I'm laying in bed "trying" to go to sleep, as I'm sure that's when most people get to really thinking. During this time I come to alot of realizations and made myself get up this time (its 15:54am I mind you) out of bed and write them down. Tonight I started thinking about how I felt after I lost my first son Jayden vs. the way I felt after loosing my second son Tucker... just where I was in my life and how they affected me in different ways, this one just happens to be about my relationship with JD.

Now with Jayden I was only 18 years old and only dating JD, not married, not on my own, and not out of school. I still had my WHOLE future ahead of me and I think it's ironic almost that I was right at the edge of leaving childhood and entering into adulthood that I went through my first loss. I started thinking about me and JD and how the moment we found out Jayden was coming, we were connected for life. No we were not married and may of never even got married after his birth but no matter what we would be connected though our son forever. Now of course no life is ever guarenteed, but just like any other couple, we were naive and believed with everybit that those things would take course, and that certaintity only gets stronger with every month you get closer and closer to the birth. So when Jayden died it was like that connection was gone, and we were just, physically, two different people again. At any moment JD or myself could of left and we would never "have" to see eachother again. This may be hard to explain (which is only one of many many feelings that are so hard to grasp after a loss before a chance to even live is) but it sadden me so much to know we were just some highschool couple again, at least to anybody else's eyes in the world, and I think that's why that moment in our relationship was so cruical to our relationship even today. It was the moment we both knew we wanted to be together forever. I'll never forget the words that came out of JD's mouth when he turned and looked at me and said, "I don't ever want to have a baby with anybody else but you." It was in that moment we knew we were "meant" to be together. But it was hard b/c at the same time I couldn't help but see the other side of it, was it a sign from God saying hey your free to go, ya'll really weren't meant to be together and now you don't even have to... What a hard position for just an eighteen year old girl to have to decifer, while all at the same time I was grieving the death of my son and trying to make some sense of why he died just a mere day before I was going to be induced.
I always tell people that Jayden brought me and JD together, and you know what he did. He gave us the oppurtunity to choose to be together and to take that commitment of marriage at such a young age without the actual physical bond we would of had, that can blur, so to speak, the true reason of marriage if he would of been born alive on this earth. Not to say I wanted that oppurtunity for a second but it's the little things you see later as beautiful from such a little soul that never even got to say a word, but he impacted our lives more than words ever possibly could.
Now just passing our 5 year wedding anniversary, I look back on the beauty of our love and even though our marriage was going to face more and more trials, and even more, another tragic death of yet another baby boy, our love was strong and we have Jayden to thank for that :)

pregnant with Jayden, life was simple back then :)

Half way to you

I know I don't write in this as often as I should but I'll try to post more especially since we're now on the downward slope to delivery! At my last appointment at 18 weeks, it was confirmed that it's for sure still a little boy :) Also everything looked right on track with development. We extensively went over delivery details this appointment which really made things start to feel real... We are officially delivering on Friday, June 17th, I believe around 5:00 in the evening. My doctor is going to go ahead and give me steroids starting at 28 weeks to give the lungs a head start on development so they'll be nice and ready for delivery. We'll also be doing close monitoring probably starting around 28 weeks as well, hooking me up to a heart monitoring machine to make sure everything looks okay and there is no stress or sign of problems (not that we're expecting there to be, but just for sake of mind and safety measures). We are officially half way to delivery, (actually a little more than half way as of me writing this right now at 20 weeks). The weeks are really flying by and I hope they continue to do so, the wait is going to drive me bananas, but at least I don't have to go the longest waiting period of the last month anymore. I'm really starting to feel him kick now as well, and it never gets old :) I'm really getting excited about this little boy and feel positive about a safe delivery this time. The only thing is we don't know if he's going to be perfectly normal and healthy when he gets out or not... it's weird b/c scientifically there's no reason why he wouldn't be... but then again something obviously went wrong before but no one knows what. Were just hoping an early delivery is exactly what my babies need. Here's to the next 16 weeks left! 

                                                         Me and Aunt Mandy @ 20wks

Keepin' the Faith

So, we found out Monday that we're getting yet another chance to be parents to a little boy. Sadly I was afraid of that... I was so convinced this was a girl. Not because I don't want to have a boy, but because that was the only tangible thing to hold on to for hope of this pregnancy being "different" than the others. I can't help to be left thinking, "how is this pregnancy going to be any different?" It's so frustrating when everything looks perfectly healthy, normal and perfect on the sonogram and all the Doctor can say is that we'll try our best to get this baby here safely by taking him early. How do I know that's going to be enough? How do I know I'm not setting myself up to re-live the worst day of my life again. I keep telling myself there's NO way I can go through this again... How am I supposed to keep thinking God will get me through whatever happens when I can't see my God allowing me to feel this pain again. There's no room left in my sons' grave nor in my heart for another angel baby...
Well the matter of fact is, this isn't easy at all for me. Why do I think our hands, the doctor's hands, is so much more reliable when the situation is simply left in God's hands? With Him there is nothing to fear. With Him anything is possible. He loves me more than anybody on Earth and if it's His will for this little boy to get here safe and sound than it's going to happen. It's just so hard to leave it at that, when as humans we want to be in control, and for this next 5 months, there's nothing I can do but pray, pray, and pray some more. I don't want God to think for a second I'm doubting Him or not trusting in Him, because the truth is I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't. I hope and pray I get to finally get to be a mommy to my precious baby boy this summer. I will praise God if I do, I will praise God if I don't. Period.

New Year, this is gonna be a great year!

First let me start by giving an update from my 11 week appointment last week where myy little baby through me through my first "faith loop". The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat while using the fetal Doppler to locate the heartbeat for the first time over my tummy. Now I was on the verge of being able to hear it like that since the baby is still so little but apparently they still hear it that early all the time. After a few minutes of trying she sent me into the sonogram room to get it that way, and of course it came up right away. :) The tech said it's because I have an anterior placenta (the placenta is in the front, cushioning the baby and my tummy), so it's harder to find the heartbeat through it. This is quite normal, just means it may make my amniocentesis a little harder to do and as long as it's not covering my c-section incision, my c-section shouldn't be to much of a problem. I didn't get to talk to my Dr about it since she was out of town but I did some of my own research. It also means I won't feel the baby as early as I would without it being anterior... I think something even this small, not even considered an issue, will still make me rely on God that much more, and I'm okay with that. I'd pick Him to fully be in control over me any day, and that He always is! :) My other pregnancies never really through me through any loops and so the opposite gives me hope in a sense. This little one isn't going to come peacefully and quietly as the boys, and that I look forward to.
    Although I became very sick on New Year's Eve, it still didn't put a dent on the way this year made me feel. I see it as the last hit the devil was giving me as the year ended, like well take that, but he obviously doesn't have much left on me. I've totally got him out of this year and my life, he's not going to ruin this year for me. Although I don't see him as defeating me this year, he sure made it pretty close to a living nightmare as he could. In the end I had the victory because I clung to God and He got me through it, and never left my side. I grew so close to Him this year, faith just started pouring out of my heart and into my mind giving me so much strength and hope. So much that I went from not even wanting to try again to trying again and starting a new pregnancy. And tomorrow will be the first day of my last week of the first trimester! I can't wait to see the changes that come this next couple of months as I find out the sex and the results of the genetic testing done at the end of this month. To feeling the baby kick and watching my tummy really grow to where people start asking the loaded question... "oh is this your first?" Here we go again... :)

9 weeks

So I'm in my 9th week this week and feeling pretty miserable. I have been getting off of my meds (anti-depressants I've been on for anxiety issues since Jr high) and that's been the hardest thing. I'm almost completely weaned off and surviving the with-drawls. I just didn't want to be on any prescriptions this time just to be on the safe side.
 Well it looks like I'm about to go world wide on letting this blog go public and sharing this pregnancy with everyone since looking at me you can already see a belly! I guess with this being my 3rd pregnancy and only 10 months post partum of having Tucker, I look pretty pregnant. Enough that people are noticing at work. Only one courageous customer (in my opinion) said, "oh a baby is coming!" I was like oh um yes. I put in blame of the maternity looking shirt I was wearing, but none the less, it's becoming more and more obvious. Next appointment is the 27th, so I will update again then! Everyone have a nice Christmas!
 Baby in 9th week:

7 weeks

So Monday the 29th I went in for a sonogram to hear the heartbeat for the very first time. No many how many times I've heard my babys' heartbeat it never gets old, and makes my heart so full of joy. It's just still so bitter sweet, because I've always heard my baby's heartbeat on the inside... but never on the out. They're always so healthy and full of life in my tummy but never in my arms. I just hope and pray this little one's heart never stops until long after mine stops. The day I've dreamt of forever, the day I hold my baby in my arms and hear them crying and looking back at me, is a feeling I set in my life as "the best feeling in the world". It's weird because I don't even know how I'll feel because all I know is holding my baby in my arms and saying goodbye. The desire to feel the complete opposite has built up so much since I found out I was expecting Jayden back in 2006 I don't even know if I will know how to feel it once it's here. I'm really thinking about video taping that moment so that I can relive it as many times as I want! I feel really different this time and just really want to take this pregnancy and birth to give God the glory from not only me but from everyone who sees it as well. But we will praise Him either way, just as we have before.
  -Magen

Why I created this blog

The reason I created this blog is because I feel like I've been so blessed to have the chance to try again to bring another baby into this world and I want to share every moment with everyone and anyone . My eyes have been opened to just so much over the past few years and I want other's to know what I've learned and I want to take the opportunity God has created for me to share and hopefully inspire others through my babies.
Over the past nine months since Tucker went to heaven, I have thought, thought and thought some more until I just about drove myself insane. And after much prayer and meditation I came to the conclusion that I wanted to try again. My desire to be a mother is so strong and has been there since I was little, and I just can't see myself giving up. Although I wish everyone could see the faith God built me up with after each lose that lead me to the place I am today, I can only try to find the words to express through each blog as we go along this next seven months together.
When I lost Tucker my first thought was to run away and go through my next pregnancy with JD without having to "put" everyone through this heartbreak again if it happened. But as I thought about it more and more there was many reasons why this wouldn't work. Many people have entered this journey and felt my joy, discouragement, heartbreak, and courage to try again each time pregnancy came and went. At this point the network of people that have heard my story is huge, and I want to make it even bigger... I want to take this opportunity to create the biggest prayer and support network possible. ANYthing is possible with God and he has allowed the devil to win the past two times but the devil will learn soon, if he hasn't already, that this girl doesn't give up and she's got a huge army behind her who won't either! Even though this pregnancy may end in tragedy once again, that's a risk I'm willing to take, and just can't help but take this time to increase other's faith if this little one enters our world. And my oh my will that be a great day to give God the glory, and that's something I don't want to miss out on by putting this pregnancy on the "down low". Isn't that what the devil would want this fear to do to us, hide it and just hope and pray by the skin of our teeth and miss out on bringing everyone along if we succeed, putting all our faith and trust in the Lord... The devil has taken too much it's time to go full throttle and pray like we've never prayed before! Yes, according to this world, our "odds" may not be that high on succeeding with this child, but I can't seem to find God using the word "odds" in his word. If God has planned on this happening it's going to happen no matter our earthly odds.
And finally I have created this blog so that everyone can keep updated all together on my pregnancy, that way I'm not being bombarded with questions, concerns and opinions about it to me or my family. I feel like I have to tell everyone how I feel and "justify" my reasoning behind trying again, but I dont, and that wears me out emotionally. I think it's great for everyone to know why I just don't want to repeat it all 1,000 times this round ;) you understand right....? I look forward to all of you reading my blogs and sending your love and prayers my way!