Last Thursday I got an awesome opportunity to share my story live and on the record for anyone to hear on a blog radio show, and it felt great! I constantly reflect on both of my pregnancies, births, losses, and faith, all three of my boys blessed me with experiencing, and sometimes I go crazy needing to get these thoughts out. I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders when I got to do just that with a woman I now adore and look up to, Shellie Nichol Chander :) She started a ministry called "Hopes not a crime" after hearing the news that her son Cody has a terminal illness and has been given so many years to live; which he keeps proving them wrong with each year he's alive. Shellie has found hope knowing God knows no statistics, no matter what the world or doctors may say. She now spreads the word or hope and what it means to find it through our savior Jesus Christ.
It was my first time really speaking, and as you can see, I'm much better at writing my thoughts out, but I hope one day to get to publicly speak in an inspirational and natural way. If there's any one message I would want others to take from my story it's this: Jayden and Tucker were no accident, "miss hearings" from God, or even tragedies. They were meant to be apart of this world, my world, if even for a short-lived 9 months in my womb. No they never got to speak a world, never got to breathe our air, or even get to look into our eyes, but they taught me more than anyone living ever could. They took me through a journey and made me live on faith only to get to my dream of motherhood with every ounce I had left. Without having had Jayden and Tucker before Noah, Noah would of just looked like another birth into this world that happens everyday. Instead Noah was a miracle in the flesh for us to all see, for everyone involved to believe, and know that God does hear and answer our prayers. That with God anything is possible and He can defy all odds. That He can get us through anything and walk in our daily lives if we let Him. I've never felt so close to Him than I did that summer getting pregnant with Noah. It's a humbling and awing experience that I otherwise would of never got to experience and I thank God that He choose me to get to live that and share it with others. Thank you God for believing in me and making me feel your undivided attention and love even though you're also taking care of this entire world we live in. I hope I made you proud and continue to fulfill your will for me in my life, spreading hope for others. You are amazing and I will praise you through storm and shine!
To listen to my show with Shellie, go here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/hopes-not-a-crime-shellie-nichol/2012/07/20/when-lightening-strikes-twice-a-journey-to-motherhood
Shellie's ministry: www.hopesnotacrime.org
Or join the group "hopes not a crime" on FB
Thank you all and as Shellie says, " keep hope in your heart, and two thumbs in the air!"
-Magen <3
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I am a mother
I wanted to talk about the biggest and one of the hardest parts of being angel mom. Even though I have one living son today, I still struggle with this recognition of being seen as a mother. One of the hardest parts of burying each one of my babies was going back into the world seen as the same woman I was before I became pregnant. After carrying each one of my babies for nine months and enduring and feeling all the things each woman feels while carrying their children do; it was hard to see all those women now being able to live out their days with their babies and getting to be a mom. I grieved each moment I was supposed to be doing "mom" things with my baby, especially when I was out in public. Any time I went to the store I imagined myself pushing my baby around in my cart, or while eating out at a restaurant, I pictured my baby sitting in his highchair while other's smiled in awe at his cuteness. Every single day I pictured and grieved at the moments I dreamed of fulfilling with my baby, and carrying on with my previously lived day to day life alone was agonizing. I ached to still be seen as their mom, and for others to know, hey I have a baby too! The joy you want to express to others, after an anxiously anticipated nine months, doesn't go away even though you know the heartache you actually endured when you left the hospital empty armed.
As I carried my second son Tucker this anticipation was even stronger, and I remember crying at the thought of getting to finally fulfill each one of those moments with him... only to live out those gut-wrenching empty moments again. And when I carried my third son Noah, I remember being more afraid of having to grieve those moments a third time even more so then the act of leaving the hospital empty-armed, because the truth is in the hospital you were still seem as a mother to this sweet baby boy you just delivered. Even though the room was silent and filled with tears, I couldn't help but smile while I got to hold my sweet angel in my arms. I knew the reality was when I left that hospital I was only left with pictures of my silent baby boy who would never grow to be more than his little 8lb 2oz newborn self. In the hospital I was still seen as his mom, where as soon as I went back into the day to day world, I was seen alone. They sometimes felt like a dream, a dream I never wanted to forget.
Now the title of "Noah's mom" means more to me than you could ever know. He was the answer to all those moments I wanted to fulfill. And every moment I was in front of anyone, I wanted to physically been seen as his mom. It was a struggle because I felt so much anxiety when others were giving him care, especially in public, because if for a moment I felt once again like that lonely girl, I would feel that pit in the bottom of my stomach, so I would hog him to myself...
Sometimes just knowing you are a mom to three precious boys isn't enough, and I want the whole world to know it. I'm still healing everyday and I know that one day when I get to Heaven there's no doubt that I'll will finally get to be a mother to them all :) Can't wait for my family to one day get to be complete. And I thank Jesus for giving me that hope of eternal life with them. I am a mother to three beautiful boys :)
As I carried my second son Tucker this anticipation was even stronger, and I remember crying at the thought of getting to finally fulfill each one of those moments with him... only to live out those gut-wrenching empty moments again. And when I carried my third son Noah, I remember being more afraid of having to grieve those moments a third time even more so then the act of leaving the hospital empty-armed, because the truth is in the hospital you were still seem as a mother to this sweet baby boy you just delivered. Even though the room was silent and filled with tears, I couldn't help but smile while I got to hold my sweet angel in my arms. I knew the reality was when I left that hospital I was only left with pictures of my silent baby boy who would never grow to be more than his little 8lb 2oz newborn self. In the hospital I was still seen as his mom, where as soon as I went back into the day to day world, I was seen alone. They sometimes felt like a dream, a dream I never wanted to forget.
Now the title of "Noah's mom" means more to me than you could ever know. He was the answer to all those moments I wanted to fulfill. And every moment I was in front of anyone, I wanted to physically been seen as his mom. It was a struggle because I felt so much anxiety when others were giving him care, especially in public, because if for a moment I felt once again like that lonely girl, I would feel that pit in the bottom of my stomach, so I would hog him to myself...
Sometimes just knowing you are a mom to three precious boys isn't enough, and I want the whole world to know it. I'm still healing everyday and I know that one day when I get to Heaven there's no doubt that I'll will finally get to be a mother to them all :) Can't wait for my family to one day get to be complete. And I thank Jesus for giving me that hope of eternal life with them. I am a mother to three beautiful boys :)
Monday, July 2, 2012
The beginning
Ok so I know it's been forever since I last posted and I often get mad at myself for not continuing in this blog like I would of liked to, but during my last pregnancy with Noah my mind was so overloaded with emotions and feelings that I just couldn't keep up. With all of that being said I want to pick back up now that my sweet Noah is a year old and my feelings and emotions are in a whole new place that I'd love to share again.
My mind really goes into deep thought mode when I'm laying in bed "trying" to go to sleep, as I'm sure that's when most people get to really thinking. During this time I come to alot of realizations and made myself get up this time (its 15:54am I mind you) out of bed and write them down. Tonight I started thinking about how I felt after I lost my first son Jayden vs. the way I felt after loosing my second son Tucker... just where I was in my life and how they affected me in different ways, this one just happens to be about my relationship with JD.
Now with Jayden I was only 18 years old and only dating JD, not married, not on my own, and not out of school. I still had my WHOLE future ahead of me and I think it's ironic almost that I was right at the edge of leaving childhood and entering into adulthood that I went through my first loss. I started thinking about me and JD and how the moment we found out Jayden was coming, we were connected for life. No we were not married and may of never even got married after his birth but no matter what we would be connected though our son forever. Now of course no life is ever guarenteed, but just like any other couple, we were naive and believed with everybit that those things would take course, and that certaintity only gets stronger with every month you get closer and closer to the birth. So when Jayden died it was like that connection was gone, and we were just, physically, two different people again. At any moment JD or myself could of left and we would never "have" to see eachother again. This may be hard to explain (which is only one of many many feelings that are so hard to grasp after a loss before a chance to even live is) but it sadden me so much to know we were just some highschool couple again, at least to anybody else's eyes in the world, and I think that's why that moment in our relationship was so cruical to our relationship even today. It was the moment we both knew we wanted to be together forever. I'll never forget the words that came out of JD's mouth when he turned and looked at me and said, "I don't ever want to have a baby with anybody else but you." It was in that moment we knew we were "meant" to be together. But it was hard b/c at the same time I couldn't help but see the other side of it, was it a sign from God saying hey your free to go, ya'll really weren't meant to be together and now you don't even have to... What a hard position for just an eighteen year old girl to have to decifer, while all at the same time I was grieving the death of my son and trying to make some sense of why he died just a mere day before I was going to be induced.
I always tell people that Jayden brought me and JD together, and you know what he did. He gave us the oppurtunity to choose to be together and to take that commitment of marriage at such a young age without the actual physical bond we would of had, that can blur, so to speak, the true reason of marriage if he would of been born alive on this earth. Not to say I wanted that oppurtunity for a second but it's the little things you see later as beautiful from such a little soul that never even got to say a word, but he impacted our lives more than words ever possibly could.
Now just passing our 5 year wedding anniversary, I look back on the beauty of our love and even though our marriage was going to face more and more trials, and even more, another tragic death of yet another baby boy, our love was strong and we have Jayden to thank for that :)
My mind really goes into deep thought mode when I'm laying in bed "trying" to go to sleep, as I'm sure that's when most people get to really thinking. During this time I come to alot of realizations and made myself get up this time (its 15:54am I mind you) out of bed and write them down. Tonight I started thinking about how I felt after I lost my first son Jayden vs. the way I felt after loosing my second son Tucker... just where I was in my life and how they affected me in different ways, this one just happens to be about my relationship with JD.
Now with Jayden I was only 18 years old and only dating JD, not married, not on my own, and not out of school. I still had my WHOLE future ahead of me and I think it's ironic almost that I was right at the edge of leaving childhood and entering into adulthood that I went through my first loss. I started thinking about me and JD and how the moment we found out Jayden was coming, we were connected for life. No we were not married and may of never even got married after his birth but no matter what we would be connected though our son forever. Now of course no life is ever guarenteed, but just like any other couple, we were naive and believed with everybit that those things would take course, and that certaintity only gets stronger with every month you get closer and closer to the birth. So when Jayden died it was like that connection was gone, and we were just, physically, two different people again. At any moment JD or myself could of left and we would never "have" to see eachother again. This may be hard to explain (which is only one of many many feelings that are so hard to grasp after a loss before a chance to even live is) but it sadden me so much to know we were just some highschool couple again, at least to anybody else's eyes in the world, and I think that's why that moment in our relationship was so cruical to our relationship even today. It was the moment we both knew we wanted to be together forever. I'll never forget the words that came out of JD's mouth when he turned and looked at me and said, "I don't ever want to have a baby with anybody else but you." It was in that moment we knew we were "meant" to be together. But it was hard b/c at the same time I couldn't help but see the other side of it, was it a sign from God saying hey your free to go, ya'll really weren't meant to be together and now you don't even have to... What a hard position for just an eighteen year old girl to have to decifer, while all at the same time I was grieving the death of my son and trying to make some sense of why he died just a mere day before I was going to be induced.
I always tell people that Jayden brought me and JD together, and you know what he did. He gave us the oppurtunity to choose to be together and to take that commitment of marriage at such a young age without the actual physical bond we would of had, that can blur, so to speak, the true reason of marriage if he would of been born alive on this earth. Not to say I wanted that oppurtunity for a second but it's the little things you see later as beautiful from such a little soul that never even got to say a word, but he impacted our lives more than words ever possibly could.
Now just passing our 5 year wedding anniversary, I look back on the beauty of our love and even though our marriage was going to face more and more trials, and even more, another tragic death of yet another baby boy, our love was strong and we have Jayden to thank for that :)
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| pregnant with Jayden, life was simple back then :) |
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Half way to you
I know I don't write in this as often as I should but I'll try to post more especially since we're now on the downward slope to delivery! At my last appointment at 18 weeks, it was confirmed that it's for sure still a little boy :) Also everything looked right on track with development. We extensively went over delivery details this appointment which really made things start to feel real... We are officially delivering on Friday, June 17th, I believe around 5:00 in the evening. My doctor is going to go ahead and give me steroids starting at 28 weeks to give the lungs a head start on development so they'll be nice and ready for delivery. We'll also be doing close monitoring probably starting around 28 weeks as well, hooking me up to a heart monitoring machine to make sure everything looks okay and there is no stress or sign of problems (not that we're expecting there to be, but just for sake of mind and safety measures). We are officially half way to delivery, (actually a little more than half way as of me writing this right now at 20 weeks). The weeks are really flying by and I hope they continue to do so, the wait is going to drive me bananas, but at least I don't have to go the longest waiting period of the last month anymore. I'm really starting to feel him kick now as well, and it never gets old :) I'm really getting excited about this little boy and feel positive about a safe delivery this time. The only thing is we don't know if he's going to be perfectly normal and healthy when he gets out or not... it's weird b/c scientifically there's no reason why he wouldn't be... but then again something obviously went wrong before but no one knows what. Were just hoping an early delivery is exactly what my babies need. Here's to the next 16 weeks left!
Me and Aunt Mandy @ 20wks
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Keepin' the Faith
So, we found out Monday that we're getting yet another chance to be parents to a little boy. Sadly I was afraid of that... I was so convinced this was a girl. Not because I don't want to have a boy, but because that was the only tangible thing to hold on to for hope of this pregnancy being "different" than the others. I can't help to be left thinking, "how is this pregnancy going to be any different?" It's so frustrating when everything looks perfectly healthy, normal and perfect on the sonogram and all the Doctor can say is that we'll try our best to get this baby here safely by taking him early. How do I know that's going to be enough? How do I know I'm not setting myself up to re-live the worst day of my life again. I keep telling myself there's NO way I can go through this again... How am I supposed to keep thinking God will get me through whatever happens when I can't see my God allowing me to feel this pain again. There's no room left in my sons' grave nor in my heart for another angel baby...
Well the matter of fact is, this isn't easy at all for me. Why do I think our hands, the doctor's hands, is so much more reliable when the situation is simply left in God's hands? With Him there is nothing to fear. With Him anything is possible. He loves me more than anybody on Earth and if it's His will for this little boy to get here safe and sound than it's going to happen. It's just so hard to leave it at that, when as humans we want to be in control, and for this next 5 months, there's nothing I can do but pray, pray, and pray some more. I don't want God to think for a second I'm doubting Him or not trusting in Him, because the truth is I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't. I hope and pray I get to finally get to be a mommy to my precious baby boy this summer. I will praise God if I do, I will praise God if I don't. Period.
Well the matter of fact is, this isn't easy at all for me. Why do I think our hands, the doctor's hands, is so much more reliable when the situation is simply left in God's hands? With Him there is nothing to fear. With Him anything is possible. He loves me more than anybody on Earth and if it's His will for this little boy to get here safe and sound than it's going to happen. It's just so hard to leave it at that, when as humans we want to be in control, and for this next 5 months, there's nothing I can do but pray, pray, and pray some more. I don't want God to think for a second I'm doubting Him or not trusting in Him, because the truth is I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't. I hope and pray I get to finally get to be a mommy to my precious baby boy this summer. I will praise God if I do, I will praise God if I don't. Period.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year, this is gonna be a great year!
First let me start by giving an update from my 11 week appointment last week where myy little baby through me through my first "faith loop". The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat while using the fetal Doppler to locate the heartbeat for the first time over my tummy. Now I was on the verge of being able to hear it like that since the baby is still so little but apparently they still hear it that early all the time. After a few minutes of trying she sent me into the sonogram room to get it that way, and of course it came up right away. :) The tech said it's because I have an anterior placenta (the placenta is in the front, cushioning the baby and my tummy), so it's harder to find the heartbeat through it. This is quite normal, just means it may make my amniocentesis a little harder to do and as long as it's not covering my c-section incision, my c-section shouldn't be to much of a problem. I didn't get to talk to my Dr about it since she was out of town but I did some of my own research. It also means I won't feel the baby as early as I would without it being anterior... I think something even this small, not even considered an issue, will still make me rely on God that much more, and I'm okay with that. I'd pick Him to fully be in control over me any day, and that He always is! :) My other pregnancies never really through me through any loops and so the opposite gives me hope in a sense. This little one isn't going to come peacefully and quietly as the boys, and that I look forward to.
Although I became very sick on New Year's Eve, it still didn't put a dent on the way this year made me feel. I see it as the last hit the devil was giving me as the year ended, like well take that, but he obviously doesn't have much left on me. I've totally got him out of this year and my life, he's not going to ruin this year for me. Although I don't see him as defeating me this year, he sure made it pretty close to a living nightmare as he could. In the end I had the victory because I clung to God and He got me through it, and never left my side. I grew so close to Him this year, faith just started pouring out of my heart and into my mind giving me so much strength and hope. So much that I went from not even wanting to try again to trying again and starting a new pregnancy. And tomorrow will be the first day of my last week of the first trimester! I can't wait to see the changes that come this next couple of months as I find out the sex and the results of the genetic testing done at the end of this month. To feeling the baby kick and watching my tummy really grow to where people start asking the loaded question... "oh is this your first?" Here we go again... :)
Although I became very sick on New Year's Eve, it still didn't put a dent on the way this year made me feel. I see it as the last hit the devil was giving me as the year ended, like well take that, but he obviously doesn't have much left on me. I've totally got him out of this year and my life, he's not going to ruin this year for me. Although I don't see him as defeating me this year, he sure made it pretty close to a living nightmare as he could. In the end I had the victory because I clung to God and He got me through it, and never left my side. I grew so close to Him this year, faith just started pouring out of my heart and into my mind giving me so much strength and hope. So much that I went from not even wanting to try again to trying again and starting a new pregnancy. And tomorrow will be the first day of my last week of the first trimester! I can't wait to see the changes that come this next couple of months as I find out the sex and the results of the genetic testing done at the end of this month. To feeling the baby kick and watching my tummy really grow to where people start asking the loaded question... "oh is this your first?" Here we go again... :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
9 weeks
So I'm in my 9th week this week and feeling pretty miserable. I have been getting off of my meds (anti-depressants I've been on for anxiety issues since Jr high) and that's been the hardest thing. I'm almost completely weaned off and surviving the with-drawls. I just didn't want to be on any prescriptions this time just to be on the safe side.
Well it looks like I'm about to go world wide on letting this blog go public and sharing this pregnancy with everyone since looking at me you can already see a belly! I guess with this being my 3rd pregnancy and only 10 months post partum of having Tucker, I look pretty pregnant. Enough that people are noticing at work. Only one courageous customer (in my opinion) said, "oh a baby is coming!" I was like oh um yes. I put in blame of the maternity looking shirt I was wearing, but none the less, it's becoming more and more obvious. Next appointment is the 27th, so I will update again then! Everyone have a nice Christmas!
Baby in 9th week:
Well it looks like I'm about to go world wide on letting this blog go public and sharing this pregnancy with everyone since looking at me you can already see a belly! I guess with this being my 3rd pregnancy and only 10 months post partum of having Tucker, I look pretty pregnant. Enough that people are noticing at work. Only one courageous customer (in my opinion) said, "oh a baby is coming!" I was like oh um yes. I put in blame of the maternity looking shirt I was wearing, but none the less, it's becoming more and more obvious. Next appointment is the 27th, so I will update again then! Everyone have a nice Christmas!
Baby in 9th week:
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