Thursday, October 4, 2012

You never forget

   On a week to week basis, give or take, I come across someone new to tell my story to. Most of the time it's simply because they ask if Noah's my only child, but sometimes I feel compelled to share that part of my life with other's who first meet me, simply because it has become such a big part of my life and who I am today. Being an angel mom from day one changes your life just as becoming a mother, wife, or sibling would except in different ways. I have found it very frustrating when I briefly tell my story and because I have been doing so for the past 6 years now, it probably sounds pretty emotionless to a stranger and that's because it's become my "norm"... So this is for every stranger or first-time "hearer" of my story on the memories I'll never forget, the pain I'll never forget, and the love I'll never forget. I'm pretty positive I can speak for most angel moms when I say the following...

I'll never forget:

-the first time I heard the word's "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat."
- holding a lifeless, cold baby in my arms but still in awe because that's my child
- all the painfully ironic-ness of how every aspect of my labor/delivery and meeting my child is the total opposite from the happiest day of my life
- binding my chest tightly because my milk is coming in but I don't have a newborn to snuggle and nurse
- leaving the hospital seeing everyone else's congrats balloons in the hall while I get wheeled out empty-armed
- getting the courage and strength to go look at my baby in his casket and then bury his precious body in the cold ground
- going home to a beautiful nursery I spent so much heart and soul in preparing
- the smell of just washed baby clothes, teddy bears and that one special outfit I couldn't wait to see them in, as I pack them away
-  looking at pictures of my baby I got to spend limited hours with but trying to remember every thing about him for it was my one and only day to be physically his mother
- going back to work and getting through each awkward moment as I "break" the news to every co-worker and customer who knew I was pregnant last time they saw me
-wanting to so badly wake up from this nightmare
- going out in public picturing every detailed thing I'd be doing with my baby, instead of other's awing over my little bundle of joy, they walk past me never knowing my baby existed
- experiencing each of my babies' firsts in my mind over and over again
- looking at countless pictures on FB of other's who just had their baby and as painful as it is, I can't look away because for a moment I want to pretend it's me
- hearing everyone's "explanations" for why my baby didn't make it into this world
- putting on a smile and pretending like the comment of someone saying, " oh you can have my child for day if you'd like." in a "sarcastic" manner as if they even knew for a minute what it really felt like to never see your child grow another day older
- seeing and meeting other children around what my child's age would be now, and wanting so desperately to share my child's doings with them too
- wishing I could just go back to being "back-aching" pregnant one more day just so I could feel my baby's life kicking away inside me again
- wanting to die just for a moment so the indescribable pain in my heart stops just for a moment
-going to the cemetery on Mother's Day, Holidays, and his first birthday to sing Happy Birthday and light a big number 1 candle at his grave site
- hearing people tell me to "move on", that my baby's life never exisited because he died before he lived
- scared to death to become pregnant again in fear I might have to live through all of it again but so badly wanting to be a mother... only to do it again

After saying all of that please don't stop reading now...

I'll never forget:
- feeling the presence of God in my bedroom as I cry on my knees begging for His mercy
- leaning on my husband as he cries with me assuring me it will be alright and loving him even more
- smiling when I see a beautiful sunset because I know my child's with God
- being uplifted by prayer and my spiritual family
- hearing people say, "your strength inspires me."
- uplifting the Lord in hymn, feeling every word like I've never felt them before
- being able to hear His word in a way I never knew existed
- leaning on God fully because I've been humbled as low as possible
- finally stop trying to be in control of "my" life
- letting go and truly letting God
- knowing others cherish their babies that much more just because they know I couldn't
- seeing my blessings much clearer because I now know how it feels to be without
- knowing I have God's promise of an eternity with my babies one day in Heaven
- feeling closer to my babies when I'm closer to God
- hearing God whisper in my heart, "don't give up."
- hearing my third baby boy crying at the top of his lungs
- holding a warm, snuggled new born baby in my arms and praising God
- being wheeled out of a hospital with a baby in my arms
- hearing, "congratulations" and knowing I don't have to correct them...
- knowing I have an almighty and all power God that loves me and never left my side even when I may have left His...
- being a mom to a beautiful healthy 15 month old baby boy... but NEVER forgetting how I got there :)

In honor of October being Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month, thank you for reading

Jayden Noah
Baby Kaye
Dec 2007
Tucker Steven


  1. Wow Magen - That is an amazing piece. Very well done. Thank you for making it through this with such strength as it helps us all to keep on going and make it as well - I love you very much. Mom

  2. You are one strong woman. And you really do inspire others. I can not even start to imagine what you felt during those times. I love seeing the pictures of you and Noah and seeing him grow. God is good. - Angelique

  3. Wow, I must say I do use your story a lot to tell my friends who are having trouble, or miscarriages and so on but goodness this almost made me cry. You definitely make me appreciate what I have more and more everyday. And my SIL had a miscarriage earlier in the year at 6 weeks and is now pregnant and although I did not personally go through that hurt of miscarriage I really think the story I told her of you before she miscarried actually really did help her to know that there is always someone who hurts more and although it did not take the pain away by any means it did help her and my brother to become closer knowing that and knowing God must have a reason. I do appreciate you sharing your story all the time because I want you to know although I have never posted before on your blogs they really do affect people! And Im sure you have heard it a million times...but your strength does inspire me and I hope you and your son are doing wonderful!

    1. Thank you Lauren... Lemus? Howell? :)

    2. Lauren Lemus :)

  4. This brought me to tears. I can honestly say that your loss definitely made me much more appreciative of every aspect of being a mother. Kai and Jayden were only 3 months apart...I can't tell you how many sleepless nights the thoughts of you got me through sanely. Honestly, your strenth is an INSPIRATION! HUGS!