Half way to you

I know I don't write in this as often as I should but I'll try to post more especially since we're now on the downward slope to delivery! At my last appointment at 18 weeks, it was confirmed that it's for sure still a little boy :) Also everything looked right on track with development. We extensively went over delivery details this appointment which really made things start to feel real... We are officially delivering on Friday, June 17th, I believe around 5:00 in the evening. My doctor is going to go ahead and give me steroids starting at 28 weeks to give the lungs a head start on development so they'll be nice and ready for delivery. We'll also be doing close monitoring probably starting around 28 weeks as well, hooking me up to a heart monitoring machine to make sure everything looks okay and there is no stress or sign of problems (not that we're expecting there to be, but just for sake of mind and safety measures). We are officially half way to delivery, (actually a little more than half way as of me writing this right now at 20 weeks). The weeks are really flying by and I hope they continue to do so, the wait is going to drive me bananas, but at least I don't have to go the longest waiting period of the last month anymore. I'm really starting to feel him kick now as well, and it never gets old :) I'm really getting excited about this little boy and feel positive about a safe delivery this time. The only thing is we don't know if he's going to be perfectly normal and healthy when he gets out or not... it's weird b/c scientifically there's no reason why he wouldn't be... but then again something obviously went wrong before but no one knows what. Were just hoping an early delivery is exactly what my babies need. Here's to the next 16 weeks left! 

                                                         Me and Aunt Mandy @ 20wks

Keepin' the Faith

So, we found out Monday that we're getting yet another chance to be parents to a little boy. Sadly I was afraid of that... I was so convinced this was a girl. Not because I don't want to have a boy, but because that was the only tangible thing to hold on to for hope of this pregnancy being "different" than the others. I can't help to be left thinking, "how is this pregnancy going to be any different?" It's so frustrating when everything looks perfectly healthy, normal and perfect on the sonogram and all the Doctor can say is that we'll try our best to get this baby here safely by taking him early. How do I know that's going to be enough? How do I know I'm not setting myself up to re-live the worst day of my life again. I keep telling myself there's NO way I can go through this again... How am I supposed to keep thinking God will get me through whatever happens when I can't see my God allowing me to feel this pain again. There's no room left in my sons' grave nor in my heart for another angel baby...
Well the matter of fact is, this isn't easy at all for me. Why do I think our hands, the doctor's hands, is so much more reliable when the situation is simply left in God's hands? With Him there is nothing to fear. With Him anything is possible. He loves me more than anybody on Earth and if it's His will for this little boy to get here safe and sound than it's going to happen. It's just so hard to leave it at that, when as humans we want to be in control, and for this next 5 months, there's nothing I can do but pray, pray, and pray some more. I don't want God to think for a second I'm doubting Him or not trusting in Him, because the truth is I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't. I hope and pray I get to finally get to be a mommy to my precious baby boy this summer. I will praise God if I do, I will praise God if I don't. Period.

New Year, this is gonna be a great year!

First let me start by giving an update from my 11 week appointment last week where myy little baby through me through my first "faith loop". The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat while using the fetal Doppler to locate the heartbeat for the first time over my tummy. Now I was on the verge of being able to hear it like that since the baby is still so little but apparently they still hear it that early all the time. After a few minutes of trying she sent me into the sonogram room to get it that way, and of course it came up right away. :) The tech said it's because I have an anterior placenta (the placenta is in the front, cushioning the baby and my tummy), so it's harder to find the heartbeat through it. This is quite normal, just means it may make my amniocentesis a little harder to do and as long as it's not covering my c-section incision, my c-section shouldn't be to much of a problem. I didn't get to talk to my Dr about it since she was out of town but I did some of my own research. It also means I won't feel the baby as early as I would without it being anterior... I think something even this small, not even considered an issue, will still make me rely on God that much more, and I'm okay with that. I'd pick Him to fully be in control over me any day, and that He always is! :) My other pregnancies never really through me through any loops and so the opposite gives me hope in a sense. This little one isn't going to come peacefully and quietly as the boys, and that I look forward to.
    Although I became very sick on New Year's Eve, it still didn't put a dent on the way this year made me feel. I see it as the last hit the devil was giving me as the year ended, like well take that, but he obviously doesn't have much left on me. I've totally got him out of this year and my life, he's not going to ruin this year for me. Although I don't see him as defeating me this year, he sure made it pretty close to a living nightmare as he could. In the end I had the victory because I clung to God and He got me through it, and never left my side. I grew so close to Him this year, faith just started pouring out of my heart and into my mind giving me so much strength and hope. So much that I went from not even wanting to try again to trying again and starting a new pregnancy. And tomorrow will be the first day of my last week of the first trimester! I can't wait to see the changes that come this next couple of months as I find out the sex and the results of the genetic testing done at the end of this month. To feeling the baby kick and watching my tummy really grow to where people start asking the loaded question... "oh is this your first?" Here we go again... :)