Keepin' the Faith

So, we found out Monday that we're getting yet another chance to be parents to a little boy. Sadly I was afraid of that... I was so convinced this was a girl. Not because I don't want to have a boy, but because that was the only tangible thing to hold on to for hope of this pregnancy being "different" than the others. I can't help to be left thinking, "how is this pregnancy going to be any different?" It's so frustrating when everything looks perfectly healthy, normal and perfect on the sonogram and all the Doctor can say is that we'll try our best to get this baby here safely by taking him early. How do I know that's going to be enough? How do I know I'm not setting myself up to re-live the worst day of my life again. I keep telling myself there's NO way I can go through this again... How am I supposed to keep thinking God will get me through whatever happens when I can't see my God allowing me to feel this pain again. There's no room left in my sons' grave nor in my heart for another angel baby...
Well the matter of fact is, this isn't easy at all for me. Why do I think our hands, the doctor's hands, is so much more reliable when the situation is simply left in God's hands? With Him there is nothing to fear. With Him anything is possible. He loves me more than anybody on Earth and if it's His will for this little boy to get here safe and sound than it's going to happen. It's just so hard to leave it at that, when as humans we want to be in control, and for this next 5 months, there's nothing I can do but pray, pray, and pray some more. I don't want God to think for a second I'm doubting Him or not trusting in Him, because the truth is I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't. I hope and pray I get to finally get to be a mommy to my precious baby boy this summer. I will praise God if I do, I will praise God if I don't. Period.