Thursday, October 10, 2013

You would be seven...

 Seven years ago tonight I laid in bed tossing and turning with a weird pain in my nine month old belly, where my sweet baby Jayden most likely already passed away inside. My heart aches as I watch that young eighteen year old girl walk into her last appointment the next morning and see her dreams of being his mother crushed. The nurse holding her as she cried not knowing how this could ever happen to her... My heart then breaks as I imagine my nineteen year old boyfriend and my mother's face as they hear an unfamiliar and sad voice on the other side of the phone when their caller id says, "Magen"; informing them that baby Jayden is no longer alive. The next few hours were a blur as I held my tummy tight knowing you no longer would kick back on the other side. Knowing I would never get to hear you cry or say "mommy". Knowing I would soon be holding your limp precious body against mine crying, wishing you would just open your eyes and this nightmare would be over. I then pass you around to what should be a room full of smiles and laughs as we gawk over your full head of hair, instead its quiet and everyone's eyes are filled with tears... I remember that first night home, sitting on the floor crying as I looked at your pictures wishing so badly I was rocking you to sleep in your nursery. I then woke to get ready and dressed for your funeral. I'll never forget that small casket going in the ground. How could your sweet and newly made little body be already gone and buried beneath us... how could your life end before it ever got to begin? I never knew a pain like this existed... nor a love so sweet. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me as I replayed the last nine hard months in my head preparing to be a teen and unwed mother and at the end being pushed back to day one. I was just a young teenage girl again on the outside, but on the inside I was longing to be the mother I prepared and changed to become. I've never been so lost and broken in my life then I was that year... I wished so badly I could fast forward to the time where I would be whole again with a baby boy in my arms. Although you could never be replaced, I kept hope of mothering your siblings one day...
   Today I sit here with one spunky little two year old boy sweetly laying in his "cars" bed clinging to his blanket, and a beautiful, heavenly little three month baby girl old fast asleep in her crib... what once was your crib where you never got to lay. Instead today you are held tightly in the arms of Jesus with your little brother Tucker who joined you three years later. I'm beyond thankful to be sitting here mothering two out of three of your siblings today. I'm thankful to be the mother you made me today, and you will always be my little boy, my first born, the "big brother" and angel watching over us today. Rest in peace sweet Jayden as you were far to precious ever for this world. I will see you again one day and what a day of rejoicing that will be! 10/10/2006 






5 comments:

  1. HUGS - thank you for sharing your beautiful story and beautiful son with the world. I'm sure he and Ian are fast friends in heaven :)

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  2. Magen, you are such a special person! You have been through so much in your young life - I can't even fathom it. Through it all, you have maintained your faith and love in God. He has truly blessed you twice with live births and I know you are extremely thankful. All of us should never take our children for granted - even when they grow up! When I see at work or hear on the news such tragedies as those awful monsters who could possibly hurt an innocent baby or child, it breaks my heart for God, as I am sure He is up there shaking his head and crying, as well. I know He is a very patient God to see all the evil and wickedness going on in the world today.

    I love you and your entire family - y'all are such an inspiration! I hope you know how special and endearing you are to me and Paul. It is hard to believe that it has been 7 years - I remember Jayden's funeral (as well as Tucker's). Keep writing - I believe you are an inspiration to many others out there who have experienced the loss of a child!

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  3. God bless you and ALL your babies Magen! You are one strong woman and such an inspiration to many.

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  4. You are absolutely amazing. Absolutely inspiring to me!! Thank you for sharing your testimony and your journey. You truly are a beautiful light to this world!! God bless you and your sweet family!!

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  5. Happy Birthday baby Jayden. He was so beautiful. I can't imagine the pain you felt Magen, even though i've experienced stillbirth as well. To me, it just seems as if it would be far worse than it was for even me, who was almost 24 weeks. When you're so close to your due date you expect everything to be perfect. I hate that we were once so naive and had our hearts ripped away without warning. I know that we will see our sweet sons again in Heaven one day. I can't wait. <3 Praying for you in these hard weeks.

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