My mind really goes into deep thought mode when I'm laying in bed "trying" to go to sleep, as I'm sure that's when most people get to really thinking. During this time I come to alot of realizations and made myself get up this time (its 15:54am I mind you) out of bed and write them down. Tonight I started thinking about how I felt after I lost my first son Jayden vs. the way I felt after loosing my second son Tucker... just where I was in my life and how they affected me in different ways, this one just happens to be about my relationship with JD.
Now with Jayden I was only 18 years old and only dating JD, not married, not on my own, and not out of school. I still had my WHOLE future ahead of me and I think it's ironic almost that I was right at the edge of leaving childhood and entering into adulthood that I went through my first loss. I started thinking about me and JD and how the moment we found out Jayden was coming, we were connected for life. No we were not married and may of never even got married after his birth but no matter what we would be connected though our son forever. Now of course no life is ever guarenteed, but just like any other couple, we were naive and believed with everybit that those things would take course, and that certaintity only gets stronger with every month you get closer and closer to the birth. So when Jayden died it was like that connection was gone, and we were just, physically, two different people again. At any moment JD or myself could of left and we would never "have" to see eachother again. This may be hard to explain (which is only one of many many feelings that are so hard to grasp after a loss before a chance to even live is) but it sadden me so much to know we were just some highschool couple again, at least to anybody else's eyes in the world, and I think that's why that moment in our relationship was so cruical to our relationship even today. It was the moment we both knew we wanted to be together forever. I'll never forget the words that came out of JD's mouth when he turned and looked at me and said, "I don't ever want to have a baby with anybody else but you." It was in that moment we knew we were "meant" to be together. But it was hard b/c at the same time I couldn't help but see the other side of it, was it a sign from God saying hey your free to go, ya'll really weren't meant to be together and now you don't even have to... What a hard position for just an eighteen year old girl to have to decifer, while all at the same time I was grieving the death of my son and trying to make some sense of why he died just a mere day before I was going to be induced.
I always tell people that Jayden brought me and JD together, and you know what he did. He gave us the oppurtunity to choose to be together and to take that commitment of marriage at such a young age without the actual physical bond we would of had, that can blur, so to speak, the true reason of marriage if he would of been born alive on this earth. Not to say I wanted that oppurtunity for a second but it's the little things you see later as beautiful from such a little soul that never even got to say a word, but he impacted our lives more than words ever possibly could.
Now just passing our 5 year wedding anniversary, I look back on the beauty of our love and even though our marriage was going to face more and more trials, and even more, another tragic death of yet another baby boy, our love was strong and we have Jayden to thank for that :)
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| pregnant with Jayden, life was simple back then :) |
It's so funny how God works in our lives, changing our perspective on life and death with the birth and death of our babies. I miss Jake so very much, but recently I had a friend who lost her baby and in that instant I was glad for her to know she was not alone and a good friend had done it first. :)
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