I am a mother

    I wanted to talk about the biggest and one of the hardest parts of being angel mom. Even though I have one living son today, I still struggle with this recognition of being seen as a mother. One of the hardest parts of burying each one of my babies was going back into the world seen as the same woman I was before I became pregnant. After carrying each one of my babies for nine months and enduring and feeling all the things each woman feels while carrying their children do; it was hard to see all those women now being able to live out their days with their babies and getting to be a mom. I grieved each moment I was supposed to be doing "mom" things with my baby, especially when I was out in public. Any time I went to the store I imagined myself pushing my baby around in my cart, or while eating out at a restaurant, I pictured my baby sitting in his highchair while other's smiled in awe at his cuteness. Every single day I pictured and grieved at the moments I dreamed of fulfilling with my baby, and carrying on with my previously lived day to day life alone was agonizing. I ached to still be seen as their mom, and for others to know, hey I have a baby too! The joy you want to express to others, after an anxiously anticipated nine months, doesn't go away even though you know the heartache you actually endured when you left the hospital empty armed.
   As I carried my second son Tucker this anticipation was even stronger, and I remember crying at the thought of getting to finally fulfill each one of those moments with him... only to live out those gut-wrenching empty moments again. And when I carried my third son Noah, I remember being more afraid of having to grieve those moments a third time even more so then the act of leaving the hospital empty-armed, because the truth is in the hospital you were still seem as a mother to this sweet baby boy you just delivered. Even though the room was silent and filled with tears, I couldn't help but smile while I got to hold my sweet angel in my arms. I knew the reality was when I left that hospital I was only left with pictures of my silent baby boy who would never grow to be more than his little 8lb 2oz newborn self. In the hospital I was still seen as his mom, where as soon as I went back into the day to day world, I was seen alone. They sometimes felt like a dream, a dream I never wanted to forget.
   Now the title of "Noah's mom" means more to me than you could ever know. He was the answer to all those moments I wanted to fulfill. And every moment I was in front of anyone, I wanted to physically been seen as his mom. It was a struggle because I felt so much anxiety when others were giving him care, especially in public, because if for a moment I felt once again like that lonely girl, I would feel that pit in the bottom of my stomach, so I would hog him to myself...
  Sometimes just knowing you are a mom to three precious boys isn't enough, and I want the whole world to know it. I'm still healing everyday and I know that one day when I get to Heaven there's no doubt that I'll will finally get to be a mother to them all :) Can't wait for my family to one day get to be complete. And I thank Jesus for giving me that hope of eternal life with them. I am a mother to three beautiful boys :)